Be direct about kid's sexuality

Q. Our 10-year-old son masturbates when he goes to bed at night. It keeps him awake for an hour or more and as a result he is not getting enough sleep. We had a relatively informal conversation with a therapist about this, but he said it was normal. My husband says he doesn't think so. Should we intervene, and if so, what do you recommend?
A. If "normal" is defined as "most kids of a certain age do it," then a certain amount of masturbation is normal for young male adolescents, but normal does not necessarily equate with healthy. For a 10-year-old to be masturbating nightly for an hour or more is not normal in any sense of the term.
On the other hand, I don't think it's going to be possible for you to stop what your son is doing -- not with a disciplinary approach, that is. Put another way, I have never heard of a parent who was successful at "making" a child stop masturbating. The very attempt to force your son to stop is likely to do nothing but create a lot of frustration (for all concerned), guilt, and may actually make the problem worse and lead to other more serious deceptions.
That having been said, if this was my son I would certainly be giving this issue my attention. As a father, I'd let my son know that I was aware of his masturbation. I'd do so very straightforwardly, making sure I didn't use a tone of voice or language that was condemning. (Sometimes, just letting a child know that you are aware of a certain behavior will cause the child to bring the behavior under control.)
I'd gently probe to find out what the source of his sexual interests were. Is he able to access the Internet without supervision at a friend's house? Has he been exposed to pornography by friends who have obtained it from, say, older siblings? In making these inquiries, be aware that you may wind up needing to talk to some other parents concerning their children. In any case, I'd talk with my son about sex and sexuality with the intent of leading his thoughts in a more productive direction. I'd put special emphasis on the fact that sex is just one aspect of a rewarding male-female relationship, but that if too much importance is attached to it, neither the sex nor the relationship will be rewarding ultimately.
I'd also take this as a signal that I needed to spend more time with my son in order to have more influence over him. (This is not to say that the father in this case is not spending enough time with his son, but simply that this is indication that more time, and therefore more influence, is called for.)
In short, this is a situation that calls for guidance, not discipline, and the guidance in question has got to come from Dad or, in Dad's absence, from an influential male role model.
I'd be remiss if I did not mention that an obsessive interest in sexual matters -- as evidenced by frequent masturbation -- in this age child, male or female, may indicate sexual exploitation by an older youngster or even adult. I don't mean to alarm you, but I'd recommend that you take inventory of what other influences prevail in your son's life at the present time, with an eye on this possibility.
XJohn Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th Street, Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 and at his Web site: www.rosemond.com).