KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox She should let them deal with their problems

Dear Annie: I dated a 23-year-old man for about three months. We had so much fun together. There was not one day that we did not see each other, and yes, we had sex. He ended up going back to the United States, and we decided we wouldn't be able to sustain a long-distance relationship. So, we pretty much just called it off.
The day after he left, I received a phone call from his wife. This man told me he was never married. She wanted to know the details, and I told her everything. I even let her know that he said he loved me and that he cried the night before he left.
I tried to convince his wife that her husband is the one who messed up and that she and her 2-year-old son can do so much better. A month later, she called me again to tell me they are still together. This time I asked her to leave me alone. Then her husband called me as well, but I was so upset, I hung up on him.
Why should she stay with that snake? Should I just stay out of their lives and let him continue lying to her? Betrayed in Canada
Dear Betrayed: Yes, stay out of their lives and let them deal with their own problems. There is nothing you can say or do that will make things better for either of them, or for yourself. You've learned a bitter lesson, but you survived it and will be smarter next time.
Dear Annie: You printed a letter from "Cautious in Oswego, N.Y.," who suggested cutting items into bite-sized pieces to prevent double-dipping at parties. Your answer made it seem like he meant that the dips (instead of the food) should be served in individual portions. Which is it? Unsure in Boston
Dear Boston: Most "dip" foods already are bite-sized. How much smaller can you make a baby carrot or a potato chip? We thought he might have meant individual-sized dip portions, and decided that was an interesting suggestion.
Dear Annie: I wanted to underscore your advice to "Prematurely Stuck in Adulthood," the young man who was distressed about taking life too seriously. He referred to this tendency as a "personality shortcoming" and asked how to loosen up.
As a professional coach and certified behavioral analyst, I work with my clients to maximize their strengths. Based on his core behavioral style, this gentleman has many wonderful and valuable strengths that he may not be aware of. He is probably very conscientious and loyal, and will often go the extra mile to get the job done -- and done right. He is also someone who maintains high standards for himself and is attentive to detail.
Your advice to him not to be so hard on himself was sound. These are all wonderful, valuable characteristics. M.J.S., Crossville, Tenn.
Dear Crossville: Thank you for your expert opinion. Here's one more:
Dear Annie: That letter reminded me of my fabulous husband. He, too, is ultra-responsible, cerebral and analytical. Spontaneity and impulsiveness don't exist in his make-up. But he learned how to have fun his way: with sports and games that require those detail-oriented, focused, self-sufficient aspects of his personality.
He is an expert rock-climber and mountaineer, an amateur historian and a fan of military re-enactment strategy games. After waiting to marry and have children, fatherhood made him more playful, and his trust and security in our marriage have made him much more sensuous.
You were so right to tell "Adult" that there's a lot to be said for being responsible and stable. Those are wonderful foundations to build on, and they age remarkably well. The Climber's Wife
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