RELATIONSHIPS New baby, new woes

Programs teach couples how to deal with the challenges of being parents.
By KAREN M. THOMAS
KNIGHT RIDDER NEWSPAPERS
DALLAS -- Several weeks ago, Renee and Andy Tarczon left their newborn son with a visiting family member and slipped off to see a movie alone.
It didn't really matter that the movie was "Shrek 2," playing at the dollar theater near their home. Since Kyle's birth, the couple has lost track of the newest movies. They were just thrilled to be on a date.
"We went out for the first time in four months, and that was wonderful," Andy Tarczon says.
As new parents, the Tarczons are learning to nurture their own relationship while they tend to Kyle, who arrived two months prematurely in May. Keeping their marriage strong is as important as taking care of their new baby, the couple has learned through parenting classes, talking to friends and even church sermons.
New parents who aren't as savvy as the Tarczons are often blindsided by relationship changes after bringing home a new baby, experts say. The lack of sleep, loss of intimacy and increase of demands placed on a household by the birth of a child can leave both parents feeling stressed and overburdened.
"We're not getting much sleep," says Renee Tarczon. "But you can no longer think about yourself."
The stress can unravel marriages, or at the very least make them miserable. It can also have a direct effect on the baby, placing the child more at risk for behavior, developmental and mental problems, according to recent research.
DEVELOPING PROGRAMS
That's why at least two researchers have created programs aimed at teaching couples like the Tarczons to recognize the difficulties of becoming parents and to fortify their relationships as they prepare for a child's arrival. The programs aren't yet widely available. Local hospitals and educators say they, too, have noticed the difficulties that new parents face and are beginning to offer advice on how couples can strengthen their relationships.
"They expect it to be a joyful, happy period and it is in many ways. But it is also very stressful," says Alyson F. Shapiro. She has conducted several studies focused on new parents and ways to help them with John Gottman, a leading marriage researcher based in Seattle, Wash. Gottman and his wife have created a weekend workshop called Baby Makes Three, aimed at pregnant couples and those who have just given birth.
According to the Gottman studies, almost 70 percent of couples that they have tracked for up to six years cited marital dissatisfaction after the birth of a child.
"When you ask couples what was the beginning of the end of their relationship, they commonly say it's when they became parents," says Pamela Jordan, a nursing professor at the University of Washington and developer of Becoming Parents Program.
"The parent relationship is the nest that the child grows in. Typically, if the parents are doing well, then the child usually does well," she says.
Jordan has begun a study of 500 couples over several years as they transition into parenthood after completing her program to track the program's success.
While there has been a nationwide push to increase marriage education, most efforts are aimed at the premarital period or are focused on couples without acknowledging the unique difficulties that a new child brings to a household. Most child-preparation classes are aimed at mothers and focus on the actual birth process or caring for the baby, Jordan says.
WHAT PROGRAMS TEACH
Both the Becoming Parents program and the Baby Makes Three workshop center on teaching parents how to resolve conflicts, maintain intimacy, understand their babies and keep fathers involved.
Both teach couples to make time to talk daily, plan romance to ward off the expected decline in sexual desire and to negotiate specific household duties. Parents are also taught to engage their babies in play by doing something as simple as sticking out their tongues and waiting for the baby to imitate them.
According to the Gottman research, wives tend to feel dissatisfied with their marriages before their husbands. Men often feel pushed to the side and then join their wives in feeling dissatisfied, Shapiro says.
"Women tend to typically take more of the burden when the baby is born. Then a wife's mother or other women are coming in to help take care of the baby. First-time fathers don't really know what to do with this little baby, and they begin to back off and spend more time at work to provide the money," Shapiro says.
When fathers withdraw, babies are affected negatively, she says. Babies stop looking at their fathers and fathers stop playing with them, Shapiro says. Researchers have found that father play is an important part of an infant's development.
At the Medical Center of Plano in Texas expectant parents can enroll in traditional childbirth classes as well as some aimed specifically at helping them understand the changes that their relationships may undergo.
"We have seen a huge impact on the marriage when the baby comes. ... It's just easier to handle that if you are a little more prepared," says Ginny Robinson, manager for women's resources at the hospital.
DADDY BOOT CAMP
The center offers a national program called New Daddy Boot Camp. During the class, fathers-to-be learn some baby basics, such as swaddling. But they also learn from doctors about the physical changes their partners are undergoing, realistic changes to their marital relationships as well as ways to take active roles as fathers.
"We have one speaker who tells them to take the babies somewhere where they like to go -- if they like airplanes, go to the airport. The really important thing is that daddies have time alone with their babies, too," Robinson says.
Andy Tarczon, who took the class, says it helped him understand some of the emotional changes he noticed in his wife after their son was born.
"One of the good things is that we were told about some of the [emotional] roller coasters women face after giving birth," he says. "I saw some of those changes in my wife, and we were able to talk through that."
Since Kyle was born prematurely, his development is closer to his gestational age of 6 weeks. At 8 pounds, he doesn't sleep through the night. Renee Tarczon hasn't yet returned to work. And Andy Tarczon recently opened his own business shortly before Kyle's birth. The Tarczons say even though they sometimes feel stressed, they are learning to adjust to parenthood.
"We had to learn to trust each other more," Renee Tarczon says. "As new parents, it's new to both of us."