PARENTING Helping children develop resilience enables them to meet life head-on

KNIGHT RIDDER NEWSPAPERS
FORT WORTH, Texas -- We can't protect our kids from the world. Their lives are going to deal them stress and adversity, conflict and struggle. Nothing can be done to prevent that.
We can, however, give them the tools and confidence they need to withstand that pressure and emerge with their optimism intact.
Dr. Robert Brooks, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, calls that bounce-back ability "resilience." He has helped parents build their children's ability to rebound from adversity. Along with a colleague, Sam Goldstein, he has written several books about developing resilience in children and adults.
Resilience, Brooks says, is "one of the most important things we can help children develop."
"If you want your kids to be strong," Brooks continues, "you have to see the world through their eyes and give them the support they need to feel competent, strong, loved and appreciated.
Hallmarks of resilience:
UChildren feel special, appreciated.
UThey have realistic goals and expectations.
UThey believe they can solve problems and make good decisions. Mistakes and setbacks are challenges to tackle, not something to avoid.
UThey recognize and enjoy their strengths and talents.
UThey know their weaknesses, but see them as something they can improve, not permanent flaws.
UThey see themselves as strong and competent.
UThey have developed ways to cope that help them grow and aren't self-defeating.
UThey've developed interpersonal skills with kids and adults alike.
UThey understand which aspects of their lives they can control; they don't fret over factors they can't control.
"There are some children whose temperaments are such that they'll have an easier time being resilient," Brooks says. They will make friends easily and do well in school. Other children have less-resilient temperaments. "They're much more difficult to please, they're moodier, they're not satisfied as easily," Brooks says.
Parents can help
Though children have temperaments at birth, Brooks believes parents can still exert a lot of influence.
Brooks and Goldstein's 2001 book, "Raising Resilient Children," discusses 10 parenting practices that foster a resilient mind-set. Here's are a few techniques that make a difference in parent-child relationships:
Develop empathy. If you can't see things from your child's point of view, it's easy to say and do things that hurt his confidence, Brooks says. It's also easier to misinterpret things your child does.
If your daughter is shy, admonishing her to "speak up" won't help. Nor will it help to warn her that she won't have friends if she doesn't overcome her shyness
Think how it must feel to be shy, then offer help instead of criticism. Children who have trouble saying hello when they're young often find it easier as they get older. That gives the child understanding and hope -- things needed to develop resilience.
Accept your kids for who they are and help them establish realistic expectations and goals. In the book, Brooks and Goldstein discuss a 10-year-old boy who dawdled and missed the school bus. When his parents stopped driving him, he still ran late, even though it upset him to miss school.
After treatment, the boy's parents realized he was not irresponsible, just slow-moving and easily distracted. Instead of punishment, it would have been better to discuss what made him miss the school bus -- and give him some responsibility that made him feel important and needed, such as serving as the school's "tardy monitor."
Identify and nurture your children's strengths. All children need to feel capable. They need to know they have valued strengths.
Brooks treated a 13-year-old boy who had learning problems and struggled to fit in at school. When Brooks asked his parents what their son's strengths were, they seemed embarrassed.
"They said, 'We don't know if it's right for a 13-year-old boy to be doing this'" Brooks related. "'He likes to plant vegetables and garden and take care of plants.'" The teen-ager possessed talent, but he didn't believe so because his parents didn't recognize or value his skills.
Many children, Brooks says, think they have no strengths. They've let parents, teachers and classmates lead them to believe they're not good at anything. Sometimes, they just haven't looked hard enough.
Give children opportunities to contribute. Here's the best way to make your children feel useful, loved and needed: Say, "I need your help."
There's no better way, Brooks says, to encourage an attitude of helpfulness, responsibility and compassion. Instead of saying, "Remember to do your chores," tell your child, "We need your help."
Helping out at school bolsters self-esteem, too, Brooks says. An elementary-school troublemaker was told the custodian needed help cleaning the cafeteria, Brooks says. His outbursts stopped, and the custodian became a friend and role model.
Brooks' Web site, www.drrobertbrooks.com, offers about 60 articles about parenting and building resilience in children. It also provides a list of his books.