ANNIE'S MAILBOX Trips down memory lane are too cozy

Dear Annie: For the past year, I have been dating "Patrick," a wonderful man who loves me and my children. The problem? He has an ongoing friendship with his ex-wife and the man she left Patrick for.
"Della" and her new husband call us at least once a week to get together, and then she reminisces about their entire 32-year marriage -- the places they went, the people they knew, the things they did. The first few times, I sat and listened, but I've since let Patrick know I feel uncomfortable during their walks down memory lane. He assures me they are just friends and has promised to focus less on the past.
Recently, Patrick announced to Della that we are engaged. She cried and privately told me she felt jealous. Something seems not quite right about this situation. Though they both say they are just friends, she still acts like a possessive wife. She calls Patrick and confides about her problems with her husband, and I recently was upset to learn that Patrick told her about a little spat we had.
Patrick says he wants to stay on friendly terms with Della because they have grown children together. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling like The Other Woman. Any insight you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Please Help Me, I've Fallen in South Dakota
Dear S.D.: It's nice for ex-spouses to remain friendly, but Patrick's relationship with Della is overly chummy. They should not be sharing confidences about their respective significant others. And since Della has made it clear she still carries a minor torch for her ex, this closeness is asking for trouble.
Patrick needs to create some distance from Della so your upcoming marriage will have a chance to cement itself. Insist that these get-togethers dwindle down to a few times a year, and tell Patrick that there will be no more conversations with his ex-wife about your relationship unless you initiate them.
Dear Annie: I have been married for 22 years, and my in-laws still treat me like poor Cinderella. My biggest issue is the gifts from my mother-in-law, "Alice."
On every holiday or birthday, Alice gives us junk that belonged to her deceased parents -- dirty aprons, broken statues, etc. -- items she doesn't want but won't throw out. We wouldn't mind, except her other son and daughter-in-law received the living room furniture, silverware, antique dishes and Grandma's diamond rings.
We don't want better gifts, but it hurts when the favoritism is so obvious. I would like Alice to stop giving us garbage under the guise of "treasured heirlooms." I've kept quiet for eight years to keep the peace, but both my husband and I have had it with this charade. What do we do? Cinderella in Pennsylvania
Dear Cinderella: It may not make any difference if you confront Alice, but your husband ought to mention that the favoritism is noticeable. Meanwhile, accept what she offers, say "thank you" as politely as you can manage, and then donate it to charity or throw it out. You don't have to use it, display it or keep it to please her.
Dear Annie: I'd like to express my opinion about brides who have their shower guests pre-address their own thank-you notes. I am offended that I must help the unfortunate bride and groom in a task expressing their gratitude. Perhaps smaller guest lists would not overwhelm those couples. L.B.
Dear L.B.: Showers weren't originally intended to be such enormous affairs, but that genie is out of the bottle. Also, most women now have full-time jobs and less time. However, that should be offset by the fact that thank-you notes can be written by the groom as well as the bride, making the task more manageable. But we agree, you shouldn't invite more people than you are willing to thank properly.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox™, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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