HOLLYWOOD In the big picture, some awards shows really don't matter

By BARRY KOLTNOW
THE ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER
When you heard recently that the Golden Globe nominations had been announced, didn't you wish that it marked the end of the movie awards season, and not the beginning?
Wouldn't that be great? One announcement, one set of awards, and it's all over until next year.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.
People in Hollywood love to give out awards. That's because people in Hollywood think quite highly of their own opinions.
The problem is that most people outside Hollywood would freely acknowledge that this has not been a banner year for movies. Yet, movie people with opinions still want to spend the next two months giving out awards.
Mediocre year
OK, there were a few noteworthy films released this year. But they certainly were not of the caliber that one might expect of an industry that has been honing its craft for more than a century. Any other business would have gone bankrupt with such a dismal track record.
I am having a difficult time trying to come up with a "best picture of the year." I can come up with a Top 10 list -- I grade on a curve in a mediocre year -- but I can't think of a single film that deserves that best-picture designation. Maybe I should put "The Dukes of Hazzard" on top of my list as a joke.
No, that's a bad idea. Some slick studio marketing guy will put my quote on the DVD package and pretend I was serious.
I'm sure each of you has your own opinion of what was the best picture of 2005. It's a shame you don't have your own awards show.
Perhaps it would be helpful during this frenzied awards season to know if a certain award mattered in the grand scheme of things. The following is a little guide on which awards matter and which do not.
Read the guide. Study the guide. Love the guide.
Or toss it away and do something meaningful with your life.
Worth watching
Academy Awards -- They matter. Last on the TV schedule but first in your hearts. This is the only one that really matters for TV viewers and people in the industry (the size of your entourage is at stake).
Golden Globes -- Unfortunately, they matter. The hype is that this, unlike the more serious Oscars, is a party. That may have been true at one time, but these awards have grown in stature to the point that they actually mean something. Until the Oscars. The only people who care about these awards after the Oscars are comedians who have no chance of ever winning an Oscar. For them, it's either an American Comedy Award or the Golden Globes.
Screen Actors Guild Awards -- Only matter to actors. These awards are meaningless outside the industry, but they're fun to watch on TV because they offer nothing but the categories you like. No directors, no producers, no cinematographers, no screenwriters, no composers, no sound guys, no costume designers, no art directors and no film editors. Just a parade of pretty people.
MTV Movie Awards -- Don't matter, but are worth watching. They're a lot like the SAG Awards but without all those annoying old people (over 30). And they have lots of stupid categories, like Best Kiss, Best Villain and Best Use of an Automatic Weapon in an Action Movie.
Mildly interesting
People's Choice Awards -- Don't matter. No suspense here because the winners know they're going to win before they show up. Sort of like an election in Chicago. Enough big names to keep it mildly interesting.
Blockbuster Awards -- Don't matter. Not sure how these winners are chosen, but I think it has something to do with how many people were willing to pay late fees for a movie at the video store.
Independent Spirit Awards -- Don't matter, except to naive people in the industry who still think movies are an art form and have nothing to do with making money.
Critics' Choice Awards -- Don't matter. These are the televised awards handed out by a motley group of TV, radio and Internet film critics called the Broadcast Film Critics Association. Nobody pays attention to them, except to use their over-the-top quotes in movie ads.
Los Angeles Film Critics Association Awards -- Don't matter. Although a more prestigious group than their broadcast counterparts (with a lot less hair spray, too), they are known for tweaking the collective nose of the public by making oddball choices each year.
New York Film Critics Circle Awards -- Don't matter. Same as above, only with New York accents.
National Society of Film Critics Awards -- Matter only to other film critics.
National Board of Review Awards -- Don't matter. This is a mystery organization with unidentified members who may or may not be qualified to judge movies. Sort of like the group that runs the Golden Globes.