Day cares not created equal

The father titled his letter "You Can't Tell a Day Care by its Cover." It told a story that has become all-too familiar over the past few years. The dad in question, a single working father without relief, has no choice but to put his 3-year-old in day care.
"For the past few years, my son has attended a local commercial day care with seemingly impeccable credentials," Dad writes. "There's not much staff turnover; they have bright and attractive classrooms, a variety of outdoor play equipment, and an emphasis on learning."
Nevertheless, his son had been a perennial problem at this center. At the end of many a day, Dad would find him in special timeout in the director's office. On other occasions, Dad had to leave work and pick his son up early because of aggressive outbursts.
Finally, at the director's suggestion and also because misbehavior was escalating at home, Dad sought help from a psychologist. That, however, didn't prevent the director from ultimately expelling the little boy. Dad then enrolled him in a church-operated center that was neither glossy nor academic.
Complete change
From the very first day the little guy began attending the new center, he has been a completely different child. Dad writes: "Life at home has improved 100 percent, with no tantrums or timeouts, and I now have confidence that when he goes out in public, he will behave as well as he does at home. It's an incredible change, and the only possible explanation is that the old day care's treatment of my son was the cause of the problem. Just goes to show, you can't judge a book, or a day care center, by its cover."
Dad's right about that. Sometimes, the most "glossy" day care centers -- ironically, these are also generally the most expensive -- have the youngest, most ill-trained, ill-suited staff.
Often, the teachers in question lack what it takes to deal with a child who possesses a strong determination to have things his way.
There's an art to dealing successfully with the "ultra-strong-willed child," and that art isn't likely to develop in the course of acquiring a two-year child care specialist degree. It develops along with a sense of wisdom concerning children, a wisdom borne on the wings of maturity and experience.
Most people don't even develop such wisdom until they become grandparents, which is why I generally recommend that when choosing a day care center, one regard the age of the staff as one of the most important variables.
Furthermore, as this father discovered, outward appearances mean nothing, nor does an "emphasis on learning." In fact, an academic emphasis usually means the center is keeping the children seated at tables, performing rote pencil-and-paper exercises, for much of the day -- a structure that substitutes for effective, creative discipline.
May be mistaken
But Dad may be wrong that the center's mishandling of his son caused the problem. It's possible that his son would have brought the same oppositional, aggressive behaviors to any center.
Sometimes, the way a teacher handles a child's very first misbehavior sets a snowball rolling downhill, during which time the child's determination and anger escalate along with the teacher's frustration. In this case, the child's problems are not necessarily caused by the teacher; it's more accurate to say that the child and the teacher/center are a bad "fit" for one another.
In either case, however, when behavior problems develop in a day care environment, and the problems escalate over time, it's time to find another center. Pointing the finger of blame serves no purpose whatsoever.
The best day care programs I've seen were hardly glossy. Rather, the walls often begged for new paint, the building, usually an older church, smelled ancient, many of the teachers were grandmothers, and little if any emphasis was placed on academic learning.
The presence of "women of wisdom" in a day care environment virtually guarantees that the younger teachers will be mentored properly, and an emphasis on developmental activity rather than academics virtually insures that the kids will be relaxed and happy.
XFamily psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his Web site at www.rosemond.com.