Squirrel chatter rattles me
I have a headache right now. It's 7:30 on a Tuesday night.
You might think it was the glass of wine I had on an empty stomach at 5. The wine was white zinfandel, and not a very good brand, having been retrieved from an overflowing shopping cart by the checkout, labeled "discounted wines." (This has been a free tip on where NOT to buy fine wines.)
You might think it's the fact that I've been planting shrubs in my yard for the past three hours, digging along the edge of my walkway, using not only a shovel, but also a pick and hoe.
You might think it's the humidity, which has caused sweat to soak the middle of my shirt.
Up on a perchsits a noisemaker
But you'd be wrong on all counts. The reason I have a headache right now -- a throbbing, neck-tightening, forehead squeezing monster -- is because of a rodent. An otherwise adorable little squirrel has climbed to the top of a telephone pole and perched himself there like the Raven in Poe's poem. And he has decided -- for a full half-hour -- to scream at my dog.
Quoth the squirrel: "Tttt, Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. Tttt, Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. ..."
I am not a violent person, and I love animals. When my neighbor discovered a squirrel in her basement, I was delighted to hear the solution was a "Have a Heart" trap.
"Tttt, Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. Tttt, Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. ..."
In fact, I'm a vegetarian. I've been a vegetarian since I was 16 because I liked animals. In fact, when I was in high school I sent away for a T-shirt that read, "Love animals; don't eat them." I wore it all the time. Even today, I feel a pang of guilt when I swat at an insect.
"Tttt, Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. Tttt, Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. ..."
Vicious thoughtsenter my mind
But right now, as philosophy wrangles with reality, I'd like to have an AK-47 and a slingshot. Then, that dirty rotten little fuzzball wouldn't be chattering at my dog. He'd be looking for his walnuts ... in squirrel heaven.
"Tttt, Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. Tttt, Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. ..."
The dog is leashed and the squirrel could come right back down that telephone pole if he wanted to. He could be digging tiny acorn holes in a matter of seconds. He could tightrope his way to another pole or a nearby tree and escape unscathed. He could sneak into my neighbor's basement, for heaven's sake!
Sinister creaturehas his motives
But this is not what this sinister creature wants. What he wants is to be the Paul Revere of squirrels. He is intent on trying to warn all squirrels within America, even squirrels in Canada, any squirrel, in fact, within a 3000-mile radius -- with ear-piercing, never-ending tongue clacking -- that a dog is nearby (albeit, a leashed, unconcerned dog who has long since begun ignoring the squirrel, but a dog nonetheless -- don't bother him with details!).
The human, however, cannot ignore the squirrel nor the throbbing in her head.
I try throwing a stick at him, but that just makes him chatter more loudly. I consider throwing a rock, but there are too many cars parked in the street below him.
I think about unleashing my dog with a wild battle cry like, "Go get him, Zeke!" But, as far as I know, my pet can't climb telephone poles, and he doesn't speak English anyway.
Let him win?No way!
Finally, I've considered putting the dog inside and ending the standoff. But let's get real, shall we? That would mean the squirrel wins. The rodent defeats the human. Now, honestly, can I let my species down like that?
People keep passing by. They're riding bikes; they're walking their dogs; they're not aware of the headache generator atop my telephone pole nor the interspecies battle ensuing so close by.
I have two more bushes to plant. "I can do this," I tell myself. I can, by shear determination, prove that no mere relative of Mickey Mouse can deter me from my task, nor change my behavior with his persistence.
"Tttt, Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. Tttt, Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. Tttt, Tttt, Tttttttttttt. ..."
Nevermore. ...
murphy@vindy.com