Financial advice for Tom Ridge

My column usually isn't political, and this one isn't either, so bear with me as it seems to travel down that road. I promise it will take an abrupt turn into your neighborhood before long ...
Presidential hopeful John Kerry is currently running an ad that indicts President Bush for having "wealth and privilege."
Or, perhaps it is George W. Bush who is currently running an ad that indicts John Kerry for having "wealth and privilege."
If it is Kerry, I doubt he's talking about the president's salary of just $400,000 a year. That's a pittance, particularly in Kerry's circle (though it does look fairly good in MY circle -- where the "Heinz fortune" is what we spent on ketchup at Giant Eagle).
Though not strapped with the pejorative of "wealth and privilege," members of Congress also get six figures -- around $155,000 a year. This salary comes with health care and free postage stamps.
In addition, when we visited James Traficant in the Capitol building (and may I say, his hair looked much nicer in person than on TV), he gave us a very impressive flag, for free. So, members of Congress get $155,000 per year, health care, postage and free flags. They also get to ride around in a cool tram that passes under the Capitol dome.
Cabinet members get around $166,000 a year. The adviser in charge of homeland security, Tom Ridge, however, draws a salary of $175,700.
This said -- we're finally coming to that abrupt turn -- it occurs to me that not too many people in D.C. know just what "wealth and privilege" is.
Homeland is securebut finances are not
Ridge, you see, has decided to step down after the election because, as MSNBC put it back in July, "he needs to earn money to comfortably put his two children, Tommy Jr. and Lesley, through college."
Said Ridge, "Tommy Jr. and Lesley, my two adorable children, must come first. I cannot ask my family to scrape by on the meager pickings I get in public service."
OK. I made that quote up. But the MSNBC one is real.
When I heard it, my teeth fell into my slumgummery (slumgummery is a soup that is made of anything you can find in your refrigerator; it is what people like Tom Ridge have to make for dinner if they don't find a "real" job instead of one that pays just $175,700).
I am not unsympathetic to Tom Ridge, but I don't think anyone made fun of him adequately at the time he feigned poverty. I, for example, was busy trying to respond to an audit of my son's FAFSA -- financial aid application -- and trying to see if we might qualify for aid as Native Americans since we watched "Dances with Wolves" three times.
The big-time news guys didn't even SEE the humor. Peter Jennings' salary, for example, hovers around 10 -- million, that is, black gold, Texas tea. Well, the first thing you know, ol' Pete's a millionaire ...
So, I would like to take on the burden of making fun of Tom Ridge. Until I become rich and famous like Peter (how do you spell n-e-v-e-r?), I still have my finger on the pulse of the "not wealthy and not privileged." And a salary of $175,700 would take my kids a fer piece on their way to and through college.
Forget about Yale-- and Dr. Pepper
However, I don't have Mr. Ridge's $784,000 mortgage. (Oh Tom, such poor planning!) So Mr. Ridge, here is my advice on how you can keep your job, finally put away some money after years of stingy six-digit public service jobs, and still send Tommy Jr. and Lesley to university:
UThink YSU, not Yale; after all, they both have Y's.
UHunt for used textbooks.
UShop around for the best prices on school supplies; Big Lots comes to mind.
UBuy pens by the gross at Sam's Club.
UGo to Subway on Two for Tuesdays.
UTake in a matinee instead of the prime-time movie.
UForget Dr Pepper; go for Dr. Ahhh.
And when you're done, grab a bunch of your friends in the capital and invite them over to your house for some ramen and a reality check.
murphy@vindy.com