In training, they toast anniversary

On Howard and Lillian Divelbiss' 50th wedding anniversary, they celebrated with more than 200 relatives and friends. Since Lillian is one of 12 children, the guest list kept growing.
But for their 53rd, which took place Sept. 1, a comparative handful came and most of THEM were just acquaintances. This year's Divelbiss anniversary was spent in Hospice training.
Lillian has been a volunteer with Hospice of the Valley for 16 years. She trained and used her lessons in her personal life just eight months later.
"My father was in our program," she said. "He died in November 1988. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer and he just went -- zap!"
Her training so close in proximity to her father's last months made it "surprisingly easy," Lillian said. "We sat with him, and he comfortably passed away."
A first timeand a refresher
Howard often accompanied Lillian as she volunteered and participated in Hospice fund-raising events. But this time, she talked him into taking the companion training while she took a refresher course, not realizing the fifth session fell on their anniversary. By the third meeting, it dawned on her.
Instead of bailing out of the class, they decided to bring a cake! Why would a couple be willing to spend their anniversary in such a way?
For Howard, who has more than enough hobbies to keep him busy -- model building, picture framing, furniture refinishing and collecting little Hot Wheels cars -- it just seemed about time. "They're nice people and they help people. Maybe at 75, I felt I should do something," he said, adding, "I probably won't get into it, the way [Lillian] does."
"Well" Lillian replied, "I didn't get into it, until I got into it."
Lillian has taken two to four patients a year, with three weeks of "self recovery time" between them. Currently, she has two patients in two nursing homes, with whom she spends an hour a week.
One is an Alzheimer's patient who enjoys talking about her past. And one thing Lillian has learned from her training is to listen. "I used to run off at the mouth, but I have learned that," she said.
Some thingshaven't changed
Though the Hospice training and methods have changed with time, with medications no longer administered by volunteers and latex gloves now required for safety, some things haven't changed for Lillian. "There is still a connection. Even if they're sleeping, I'm holding their hand," she said. "My hand automatically goes there. There is a sense of them knowing you're in the room."
Lillian was a church secretary for years, but she says she must be "a frustrated nurse." She said, "People say, 'How can you do that?'" referring to comforting people as they die. "I answer, 'That's what the training is for.'"
"In one exercise, they tell us, 'Someone has told you that your terminally ill. Name five things you would want to do.'"
Lillian saved Howard's list because the final entry brings a tear to her eye (Howard feels it is too personal to share). But Lillian said of the exercise, "It made me realize I needed to tell my kids I love them more. Say 'I love you' more. Say, 'I'm glad you're my daughter or my son.'"
Commenting on Howard's inability to share his responses, she said, "After the training, he'll be able to share that."
Another thing training helps one overcome, according to Lillian, is fear. "I was afraid [of death and dying] in the beginning," she said, "but I was able to see more deaths were peaceful."
Such insights helped again in her personal life, when both she and Howard were diagnosed with cancer. Three years ago December, Lillian was told she had breast cancer. In June, Howard found out he had prostrate cancer.
"It's like, don't think about that. Live a joyful life. Cancer is in the family and I'm not uncomfortable talking about it. Others in my family can't even say the word, but just watching people ravaged with cancer and sores, I feel lucky to have survived."
Lucky enough to celebrate their 53rd anniversary with Hospice.
murphy@vindy.com