KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Unkind remarks only add weight to the problem

Dear Annie: On my last visit home to see my family, my brother, "Joe," made some unkind remarks about my weight. I've had a weight problem all my life. Joe thinks that if he makes rude comments, it will force me to lose pounds.
Joe and his family were invited to spend the July Fourth holiday with the rest of our family at my parents' lake house. Joe called my parents, saying he wouldn't come unless I had lost some weight. My parents told him I was working on it. When Joe arrived, he told me he was so shocked by my size that he was embarrassed to be in my presence. The next day, Joe got into an argument with my parents about me, saying I was going to fall over dead at any moment. My 4-year-old niece overheard some of this conversation and later told me I was going to die.
My parents believe Joe makes these comments out of love. They also think this type of tactic could help me lose weight because "nothing else has worked." I realize my family wants me to be healthy, but Joe's statements are very hurtful. I've started yet another diet, but I don't want Joe to think it's because of him, because then he will never let up. My current diet has nothing to do with him. So, how should I react when Joe insults me? Overweight and Insulted
Dear O and I: Your family members should know by now that being rude and insulting will not motivate you to lose weight. Such tactics never work -- in fact, they usually have the opposite effect, causing the overweight person to become depressed or angry, and eat more in retaliation. Instead of helping you, Joe is making the situation worse, and you ought to tell him so.
We commend you for trying to lose weight, but please be sure to see a doctor about the healthiest way to do that, and also get into an exercise program. Restricting calories will not work in the long run unless you add some exercise and weight training to your daily routine. And frankly, if Joe cannot bear to see you at this size, let him stay away. You need his insults like a snake needs a manicure.
Dear Annie: You must have geraniums in your craniums. You gave a lovely, gentle and kind reply to "Boston," whose live-in fiance, "Tom," sits around playing computer games instead of working. You said he should contribute to the household and suggested she help him find a job. You should have told her to kick him out.
I lost my job during the recession in the late '80s, and until the job market improved, I filled my days with minimum-wage positions to pay the bills and volunteer work to feed my soul. Tom has it great: free room, board and sex for a little bit of sweet-talking. You should have told her to pick up her self-respect and find herself a high-quality dude. Worcester, Mass.
Dear Worcester: Many readers thought we were too sympathetic to Tom, who had trouble finding a job and spent the day playing videogames. We should have been tougher. Here's more:
From Maryland: "Tom" sounds like an immature, self-centered, unambitious procrastinator who has the work ethic and attitude of a pre-teen. He doesn't want to do anything but have fun, and if an adult tries to discuss his responsibilities, he sulks and pouts. "Boston" should run for her life, or she'll never get rid of this parasite.
Michigan: I married a man like "Tom." I'm a job counselor and have helped people with poor job histories, lengthy criminal records and mental illnesses. They work because they want to. Tom does not. He gets his way by using emotional, verbal and economic abuse, which can escalate into physical abuse. I spent three years heeding the very advice you gave "Boston." It backfired. I am now bankrupt and divorced.
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