KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox They should talk to 'Marissa,' not confront her

Dear Annie: I have an 18-year-old daughter, "Marissa." I recently found a letter to her from her boyfriend in which he mentioned a sexual encounter they'd had. My husband and I would like to confront Marissa, and possibly her boyfriend, too, but the problem is the way we got our information. I picked the note out of Marissa's garbage can.
My husband and I both are very concerned about Marissa having unprotected sex, but we don't want her to think we are snooping. Normally, we would never poke around in her things, but we needed to know what was going on.
Marissa is very headstrong, and we want to tread carefully so we don't accidentally push them closer together. Please give us some advice. Her Mom
Dear Mom: How about discussing this with Marissa instead of "confronting" her? You snooped, Mom, so 'fess up. Tell Marissa you found the note in her garbage can and apologize for reading it. Now, however, you have an opportunity for an open discussion so you can be a source of support for her.
If Marissa already is having sex, a lecture from you is not going to help. What she needs is information on birth control and how to avoid sexually transmitted diseases. Also talk to her about values, morals and her expectations. Many young women are more committed than their partners, and a sexual relationship can turn into something quite painful if Marissa is emotionally unprepared.
Dear Annie: My husband is currently deployed in the U.S. Air Force, and there are days when I have no idea where he is. I am writing to let you know of a program set up by the Department of Defense to help our troops call home. We ran into problems with regular prepaid calling cards, because they were not designed for use outside the United States. Either they don't work, or they cost more to use. The Department of Defense has allowed the Army and Air Force Exchange Service (AAFES) to sell prepaid calling cards that are designed for overseas use.
The 550-Unit Military Exchange Prepaid Phone Card can be purchased by anyone who wishes to make a donation to an individual service member or "any soldier" at www.aafes.com (800-527-2345). Just follow the icon on the right to "Help Our Troops Call Home." Please get the word out to others concerning this great way to keep in touch. Hearing the voice of your loved one helps you make it through to the next phone call. Thank you, Annie. Proud Air Force Wife
Dear Proud Wife: We are more than happy to help our deployed troops call home. Readers who don't personally know any military personnel, but would like to donate a card, can do this as well. Thank you.
Dear Annie: I just received an invitation from my sister-in-law for a cocktail party to celebrate her son's eighth-grade graduation, her other son's 13th birthday, her boyfriend's 43rd birthday, her mother's 78th birthday, the adoption of her new puppy and a housewarming in her new million-dollar home.
Is it appropriate to celebrate so many occasions at one party, especially when she is serving only drinks and munchies? Am I supposed to spend money on all these people? Anything Else I Should Bring a Gift For?
Dear Anything Else: It is confusing to celebrate so many disparate occasions at the same time. We recommend sending gifts in advance for the graduating child and the birthday boy (we assume these are your nephews). Mail cards to Mom and the boyfriend. Bring a small housewarming present, and on the note, congratulate your sister-in-law on the newest addition to the family. We think we've covered everyone.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox™, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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