KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox She shouldn't make excuses for ex's whereabouts

Dear Annie: When my son was 2 years old, his father and I divorced. My ex-husband married someone else and moved an hour away from me. My son, "Gabe," is now 7 and rarely sees his father. My ex comes by once or twice a year and phones, at best, three times a year.
The day before Gabe's birthday, his father called and promised to take him out for pizza and a movie. On his birthday, Gabe didn't want to leave the house in case Dad came. He never showed up. For three days after, Gabe kept asking why his father did not pick him up. I lied and said Dad had to work late. In fact, it has been two months, and my ex has yet to contact me to explain why he did not show.
I hate lying to my son, Annie. How can someone do this to a child? My ex has never paid child support, and I have never asked him for any financial help. He always says how much he loves our son, but you'd never know it.
How do you explain to a child that his dad does not want to see him? Confused in Florida
Dear Confused: First, have you spoken to your ex-husband since that day? We're worried that he fell off a cliff. If, in fact, he simply neglected to show up, you have every reason to be angry. Parenting is a serious responsibility, and your ex is hurting his son in a way he may not be able to repair.
Gabe is smart enough to figure out what's going on. You don't need to lie about his father's whereabouts, although you should not editorialize, either. Simply say, "I don't know why Daddy didn't show up. Perhaps you should call him." Meanwhile, fill your son's life with other father figures he can rely on -- grandfathers, uncles, older cousins, good friends. He needs to see the positive side.
Dear Annie: Last year, my pastor's wife succumbed to a long battle with cancer. It was heartbreaking for the entire church family. A year later, the pastor quietly remarried. Although members of the church were aware of the wedding, we were not invited to the ceremony, which was held at the church. Only families of the bride and groom were invited, and one or two very close friends.
Most church members, however, received invitations to a bridal shower. The invitation listed several bridal registries, as if this were a young couple getting married for the first time.
I am bothered by the fact that I was invited to the shower but not to the wedding. My understanding is, if you don't invite someone to your wedding, you shouldn't invite that person to your shower. Am I right? Bothered in Shreveport, La.
Dear Shreveport: Yes and no. Generally, one does not invite anyone to a shower who also is not invited to the wedding -- except when the wedding is so small that it does not include those outside the family. In those instances, the shower serves as a substitute reception. Please wish your pastor well.
Dear Annie: This is for "Wanting to Gallop Away in Oregon," the young horse owner who is being pressured to let her neighbor, "Carrie," ride her horses. Horses are large, powerful, unpredictable animals, and any rider can easily get hurt through a riding mishap. This forces the horse owners to accept a huge legal liability.
"Wanting's" parents should contact Carrie's parents and tell them that their insurance policy does not permit them to allow nonfamily members to ride the horses. The potential liability claims are not worth it. Neigh to Neighbors
Dear Neigh: We heard from many readers who mentioned the legal liability should Carrie be injured. We hope "Wanting" will tell her parents about your advice.
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