KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Her grandson is too young to expect so much

Dear Annie: I have a 6-year-old grandson, "Liam." His parents have been divorced for three years, and Liam is in therapy to help him deal with this.
Liam is very rude to me. When I picked him up for a recent outing, he behaved terribly and said he wanted to stay home and play with his mother. His parents don't believe in spanking, or any kind of discipline, as far as I can determine. The boy was allowed to continue this behavior, and not once was he told to apologize. I finally left.
It hurts to be treated this way. His parents say it is my fault because I don't spend enough time with him. I used to have Liam often, but I was the sole caregiver for my mother, and it was difficult to handle this child every weekend. Also, I recently remarried. While most children love my husband, Liam tells his parents he's "uncomfortable" around him. There is no basis for this except that my husband once told Liam he needed to respond when spoken to.
I love Liam dearly, but he has never been an affectionate boy. He doesn't give hugs or ever say "I love you." Should I continue to see Liam? Do I step out of the picture? Whatever I decide it's going to be very painful for me. Forlorn Grandma
Dear Grandma: Liam is only 6, and his parents are divorced. This child has enough to deal with. He shouldn't be chastised because his grandmother thinks he isn't affectionate enough and expects him to apologize for preferring to spend time with his mother. Liam's behavior is perfectly understandable, especially since you were under tremendous stress for several years and could not create a closer bond. And now that you have remarried, your situation feels somewhat strange for the boy.
You need to scale down your expectations. Yes, Liam should be taught to behave more politely, but don't blame him for what his parents neglect to do. Spend time with him when he is willing, and don't be disappointed when he acts up. Be a safe, pleasant haven for him, and he eventually will seek you out on his own.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Wife and Stepmom." Although she had some wonderful ideas, such as a family night, I disagree with a few of her rules, namely that parents should discipline only their own children and that finances should be kept separate. In a real family, both parents discipline the kids, and decisions about discipline and finances work better when they are made together.
However, one important rule "Stepmom" did have is never to say a bad word about the spouse's ex in front of the kids. Our kids are grown now and tell us that they respect our opinions more because we never tried to make them take sides. Experienced Stepmom in Connecticut
Dear Stepmom: Many readers wrote to say that stepparents should be allowed to discipline each other's children, and that finances should be shared. We think those are decisions each family makes on its own. What works for one family may not work for another. But we appreciate your knowledgeable input.
Dear Annie: The letter about the dentist on his cell phone brought back a very unpleasant memory. Several years ago, I saw a specialist to determine if a root canal would save my tooth. While in the dental chair, with my mouth wide open and full of dental devices, one of the doctor's friends came into the exam room and the two of them discussed their upcoming helicopter ski trip during the entire examination. I was horrified. I am only grateful he wasn't my gynecologist. Flossing Religiously
Dear Readers: Remember -- when you change your clocks back one hour tonight, please replace the batteries in your smoke alarms. That way you can have some peace of mind along with some extra sleep.
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