'Bob' wants future with ex-girlfriend
Dear Annie: I have been in a relationship with "Bob" for seven years, minus a two-year separation. When we got back together, he made comments like, "This time I'm gonna make it work," leading me to believe we had a future together.
A few months ago, I discovered that Bob has been sending expensive presents (more expensive than what he gives me) to his ex-girlfriend, who moved to another state 14 years ago. When I asked him about it, he confessed that he hopes eventually to join her there so they can start a life together.
I know I should have broken up with him right then, but I didn't, because, frankly, I had nothing else going on in my life. Now Bob is planning to take a week's vacation to the ex's town to look at some property. He will be staying at her house.
Bob doesn't have enough money for a down payment, so I think the property thing is just an excuse to see his ex-girlfriend. Bob says he won't be having sex with her. She has a young son, and she won't permit Bob to sleep in her bedroom. (Notice he didn't say it's because he wants to remain faithful to me.)
My question is, am I being unreasonable to be upset about this vacation? I told Bob that if he goes, our relationship is over, and he can't understand why. What is your opinion of this situation? Steady in Boston
Dear Boston: You must be joking. Bob has made it clear that he wants a future with his ex-girlfriend, and now he is spending a week in her house and possibly looking to invest in a piece of property near her. Your relationship is toast, Kiddo, but you keep scraping off the charcoal, expecting to find something worth keeping. Wish him well and let him go.
Dear Annie: I am having a problem with friends of over 50 years. "George" and "Helen" recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. My wife and I sent a beautiful card, congratulating them on their great achievement, and we also left a nice message on their answering machine.
A week later, Helen called my wife to say she was very hurt because we "didn't even have the decency to invite them out for a cup of coffee to honor the occasion." They haven't spoken to us since.
My wife is crushed, but I told her not to feel guilty. It was their anniversary, and they should have invited us over to their house to celebrate with old friends. Am I right or wrong? Either way, our friendship is over. Old Friend in Springfield, Ill.
Dear Springfield: How sad. While you were under no obligation to take George and Helen out for coffee, a 50th anniversary is quite a milestone. The card and phone message were sufficient for conveying your good wishes, but as longtime close friends, it would have been a nice gesture to do something extra. If you want to salvage the friendship, call and apologize for not making more out of such an important occasion, and invite them for dinner. If they refuse, you are no worse off.
Dear Annie: May I suggest something to your readers? My mother was in her 40s when my father died, and holidays were never the same after that. In the 1970s, many of Mom's co-workers were single and alone, or gay and ignored by their families. My mother would invite all the "loose ends" to her house, and we would share the holidays. This is a great way to make your own "untraditional" holiday, and it feels good to gather people together who might otherwise be alone. J.D.
Dear J.D.: What a compassionate and useful suggestion. Bless you.
Folks, tonight is Halloween. If your children are going trick-or-treating, please make sure their costumes are flame-retardant and do not interfere with walking. Also, escort your children from house to house so you can be sure they are safe. Have fun.
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