Your NBA season primer

With baseball season over and the NHL in hibernation, sports fans have eagerly awaited Tuesday's arrival of the NBA regular season, where they can finally dish out hundreds of dollars to see their favorite professional basketball players begin serving their league suspensions after being busted for marijuana possession in the off-season.
A lot has happened since the Detroit Pistons stunned the NBA world last June by proving just how boring it is to watch a team with no superstars. Shaq went to Miami. Tracy McGrady went to Houston. The U.S. team lost the gold in the Olympics.
And, of course, Carlos Boozer spurned the Cleveland Cavaliers to sign with the Utah Jazz. Many around the league have criticized Boozer's decision, but it's time to take the high road and stop pointing out what a low-life, bottom-feeding, money-grubbing, puppy-kicking, bed-wetting blankety-blank he is.
Although many fans have tried to keep up with all the off-season maneuvering, they're still puzzled by several pressing questions. Because this is primarily an educational column, I'll do my best to answer the major ones. Feel free to play along.
Test your knowledgewith these 10 questions
Who's the current coach of the Atlanta Hawks?
A: Heck, who's the former coach of the Atlanta Hawks?
No, seriously, the current coach is Mike Woodson. Woodson came from the Detroit Pistons, where he worked as an assistant under Larry Brown, who coached in Philadelphia, which is where Kevin Bacon was born in 1958.
(Who says you need all six degrees?)
OK, the first question was unfair. Here's an easier one: Who plays for the Atlanta Hawks?
A: If any of you guessed Predrag Drobnjak, you have no life. We will also accept Boris Diaw, but only as further evidence that you have no life.
What is the nickname of the new basketball franchise in Charlotte?
A: The Bobcats. We would have also accepted, "There's a new basketball franchise in Charlotte?"
How many teams are in the NBA?
A: Too many.
One man's defenseis another's excuse
Despite the recent retro-jersey trend, many NBA players are walking around with very expensive suits. What kind of suits are they?
A: Paternity suits.
All the off-season sniping between Shaq and Kobe, along with the U.S. team's poor performance in the Olympics and the annual crime problems around the league may have put a damper on fan interest in recent months. When you combined that with the skyrocketing ticket prices and the decreased NBA Finals ratings, there's a chance the fans will get disillusioned, putting more pressure on stars like Carmelo Anthony and LeBron James to produce.
A. That's true. What's your question?
My question is, Do you think I could get a date with one of the Cavalier girls?
A. No, but the mascot, Moondog, might be available.
How great is the NHL lockout?
A. Pretty darn great.
What's the difference between a zone defense and man-to-man?
A. Man-to-man is how coaches used to settle differences with players. (For example, "Once he realized he could make a lot of money writing a book, Phil Jackson quit trying to handle his spat with Kobe Bryant man-to-man.") A zone defense is what NBA defense lawyers try to argue, when questioned about their clients' postgame activities. ("Our client was so zoned out that night, he had no idea that woman in the hotel wasn't his wife.")
OK, one more question. After Boozer left, the Cavs made a flurry of moves, drafting Luke Jackson and trading for Eric Snow and Drew Gooden in hopes of filling some of the holes in their roster. Many think they'll be a playoff contender, but what are the odds that Cleveland will win the NBA title this year?
A. Let me put it this way. They're almost as good as the odds of me dating a Cavalier girl.
XJoe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.