KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Boundaries should be set at the dinner table
Dear Annie: My in-laws live 350 miles away and are very caring folks. The problem is, my mother-in-law has a major control issue with her cooking.
Mom expects us to eat and enjoy everything she makes. When we visit, she plans all our meals and gets upset if we want to eat out. One time she forced a spoonful into our 6-year-old daughter's mouth, and when our daughter threw up at the table, Mom smacked her hard across the back of her head.
On our most recent visit, I wasn't very hungry, so I didn't put food on my plate. Mom stormed out of the dining room and refused to speak to me. I ended up having to apologize profusely for not being hungry. My 47-year-old husband has spent his entire life in fear of not eating, and he won't confront her about her attitude, so when I politely speak up, I am the bad guy.
I hate to limit our visits over something so ridiculous, but how do I get out of this crazy, stressful battle over food? Not Hungry Daughter-In-Law
Dear Not Hungry: Smacking the back of your daughter's head really threw us over the edge. Mom is way out of line.
Encourage your child to eat what Mom prepares, but when that is not possible, tell Mom, "Sorry, Susie isn't hungry." If she persists, repeat the sentence and remove Susie's plate. If Mom becomes angry, tell Susie she can leave the table. If Mom raises a hand against your child, take your family and leave the house. Inform Mom that you will come back when she settles down. Do not ever raise your voice.
It is imperative that your husband support you in this. He should not take his mother's side, nor should he try to placate you into letting Mom have her way. Mom will be plenty angry, but do not back down. In time, she will learn where the boundaries are, and if she wants to see her grandchildren, she will respect your authority as their parent.
Dear Annie: When I was a teenager, some friends spray-painted obscenities on a neighbor's garage one night when I was with them. We all were arrested. Even though I did not directly participate, I lost my part-time job and the respect of my friends and family.
I assumed this indiscretion would be quickly forgotten, but that's not what happened. People still ask, "Aren't you the guy who spray-painted Joe's garage?" even though the incident was 25 years ago. My own parents, now elderly, will sometimes bring it up, so I can never put it behind me.
I used to explain the whole story to whoever mentioned it, but now I just try to ignore it. I am a law-abiding member of society. How long am I going to have to live with this? How should I respond when people bring it up? Perplexed in Pennsylvania
Dear Perplexed: Scandal has a long memory. The best response is, "Yes, I made a terrible mistake, but it was a long time ago." Then change the subject.
Dear Annie: I was recently one of the hostesses for a bridal shower. (I am one of seven bridesmaids.) At the end of the shower, I was approached by the maid of honor, who informed me that the bridesmaids were responsible for paying for the open bar. Mind you, 70 people attended this shower and rang up a bill of $700.
We paid for the food, decorations and hall, as well as the bridal gift. I don't mind chipping in, but was this right? Confused in the Northeast
Dear Confused: Those hosting the event should know the costs beforehand. Who planned this shower? It should have been the hostesses who made the arrangements and knew what they could afford. Whoever decided to surprise you with the bar bill was dead wrong.
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