Aggression calls for action

Q. My 6-year-old son's best friend deliberately hurts him when on play dates at either house. It happens too often to be anything but purposeful. He's hit my son in the mouth with a hard object, tried on numerous occasions to run him down with his bike and tripped him while he's running. Once, while they were watching a movie, this child came over and shoved my son out of his chair onto the floor. His parents told him to go to his room. He refused to do so, and they failed to follow through. When my son told me this, I urged him to end the relationship. He is afraid to do so as he fears hurting his friend's feelings. I don't want to micromanage my son's friendships, but isn't this a different situation? Should I tell the friend's mother? By the way, I've recently heard that my son is not the only victim of this child's aggression.
A. Yes, this definitely sounds like a "different situation" to me.
You are not describing typical boy-on-boy roughhousing or a problem that a 6-year-old is going to be able to work out on his own. A child who deliberately, persistently and without provocation attempts to hurt other children is definitely at risk for developing even more serious problems later in his life.
Unfortunately, the parents of such children often sit somewhat idly by, ignoring the obvious, making excuses and even defending.
Your responsibility is to take whatever steps are necessary to protect your son. He is obviously conflicted concerning the relationship and is unable to make what is the only sensible decision: End it. Under the circumstances, you are going to have to make the decision for him and be prepared to stay the course when your son tells you -- as he surely will -- that your decision isn't "fair" and that the friend's aggressions weren't "that bad."
And for telling the child's parents, I wouldn't advise that you volunteer the information. If, however, they ask why you are no longer allowing the association, consider being straightforward. You might even suggest professional help. It's somewhat of a long shot, but you might be able to make a difference in this little guy's life.
Jealous daughter
Q. Last year my daughter Trisha was best friends with another girl in her Kindergarten class. This year, they are not in the same class but they still enjoy occasional play dates. Naturally, the other girl has developed several new friendships. Trisha is extremely jealous and complains about this nearly every day. I know jealousy is normal, and we all have to learn to deal with these feelings at some point, but what is the best way to explain this to her?
A. By now, you've no doubt said all you can possibly say. You've explained the realities of young friendships (i.e., they are fickle), you've sympathized with your daughter's hurt feelings, you've suggested ways she might deal with her hurt feelings and so on. In fact, you've probably made the well-intentioned mistake of talking too much. A general rule of thumb: The more parents talk about something a child is obsessing about, the more the child will obsess.
So, stop talking about it. The next time the subject comes up (later today), say, "I've said everything I have to say about this subject, so I'm not going to say anymore, meaning we are not going to ever talk about it again." Be gentle, of course, but be firm. You need to pull the plug on your participation in these counterproductive conversations and let Trisha come to grips with this on her own. Trust her, she will.
XJohn Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th Street, Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 and at his Web site: www.rosemond.com/.