Mom's signs of being suicidal torture her

Dear Annie: My 58-year-old mother has suffered from mental illness and alcoholism my entire life. She was diagnosed as schizophrenic and has been in and out of treatment for 33 years. Last year, Mom attempted suicide three times.
Recently, my grandmother (her mother) was put into a nursing home and is not expected to live much longer. Mom is so consumed by this that she won't work, sits in my grandmother's house looking through old pictures and has withdrawn from everyone. She is again showing signs of being suicidal, and when she calls me, she often makes comments like, "If something happens to me, I want you to have this."
Annie, I am emotionally exhausted from trying to be supportive of my mother. I have made a great life for myself, and have a wonderful husband and three beautiful children. I live 2,400 miles away from Mom because of her problems. I love her, but I am not a therapist. I cannot fix her. I hear these little signs that Mom is having serious problems again, but I don't want to intervene. I no longer want to involve myself. Of course, I would call the officials if she said she was going to kill herself outright, but that's about it. There is a point where a person must let go.
It is torture to hear my mother say she wants to take her own life. Am I being selfish? Is there something else I should be doing? Giving Up in Montana
Dear Montana: You are not being selfish, you are trying to stay mentally healthy. Phone your mother's doctor so he is aware of the situation and can get an assessment. Then, contact the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (800-950-NAMI) (800-950-6264) or check their Web site (www.nam-i.org) under "Communities" for online discussion groups, including one for sons and daughters of the mentally ill, where you can share your concerns and find support and helpful suggestions.
Dear Annie: My supervisor has proposed having her office staff go to her house for a department meeting. She says it's partly for team-building and partly to show off her new home.
I am having reservations about this. Is it appropriate for us to leave the office to meet at her place, which, I might add, is quite far away? I'm not sure if she expects us to use a company vehicle or drive in our own cars. I have not said anything to the supervisor because I don't want to make waves. But I also don't want to break any company rules, and I'm not sure she has cleared this with her supervisor or the human resources department. How should I handle it? Indecisive Employee
Dear Indecisive: While it's fine to have office meetings outside of the office, inviting subordinates to one's home can create an uncomfortable atmosphere. You can approach this best by talking directly to the supervisor. Ask innocently, "Have you cleared this with the boss? I wouldn't want you to get into any trouble." If she says it's OK, you then can ask if your gasoline is deductible as an office expense or if you should take a company car. She may decide to drop the whole thing.
Dear Annie: We have seven grandchildren, and every Christmas we send each one a sizable check. Three of them thank us by phone, but we never hear a word from the other four. Annie, I am not talking about young children. These kids are between 15 and 23 years of age. I say, no more checks, but my husband, their grandfather, disagrees. What do you think? Disgruntled Grandmother
Dear Disgruntled: If these children were not taught to write thank-you notes by their parents, it might be helpful to educate them before cutting them off. Phone, write or e-mail each grandchild, and inform them that it is considered good manners to acknowledge a gift, and if they can't find the time to let you know they appreciated your check, you will assume they are no longer interested in receiving one.
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