KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Eavesdropping put a damper on their love life

Dear Annie: This December, it will be one year since our daughter, "Cara," moved back home after graduating college. Cara's bedroom and our master bedroom share a wall. She claims the wall is too thin because she can hear our bed squeak and listen to pieces of our conversation. She has even kidded us about it in front of our friends, and we all have laughed.
My husband and I have always enjoyed a very active and enjoyable sex life -- until now. The knowledge that Cara can hear us has put a damper on our intimacy. Except when we take a long weekend trip, our sex life has virtually come to a halt. We both work long hours, and it is difficult to schedule a quick get-together when we think Cara will be gone for an hour or two. Even so, I am always afraid she might come back in the middle, so we often end up not doing anything.
It really bothers me that I feel such pressure from Cara's keen hearing that I need to hide out. My husband and I both are saddened that our lives are not what they could be at this stage in the game. I have talked to Cara about it, and she insists she doesn't want to stop us from enjoying ourselves. Nonetheless, I am frozen and cannot seem to shake it off. What do we do? Under a Cloud
Dear Under a Cloud: The best solution would be if Cara found her own living arrangements, and you should encourage this. You also might consider installing some soundproofing material on your walls so Cara stops eavesdropping on your love life. Until then, put out a "Do Not Disturb" sign or wrap your husband's tie on the entrance doorknob, and tell Cara it means she should run some errands for a couple of hours. Otherwise, you may have to send her to graduate school.
Dear Annie: I recently lost my wife of over 20 years to the Seventh Commandment (adultery). I never saw it coming. I trusted her completely.
I have two teenage children who live with me, and we are struggling. I am an emotional mess. I find it very difficult to work every day and still perform all the duties my wife did. I have no time to do anything but try to maintain some stability for my children. I'm almost 50 years old. How does a man who was dedicated to only one woman for over 25 years find happiness again? Augusta, Ga.
Dear Augusta: You are overwhelmed because you are still grieving over the loss of your marriage, and you're trying to do too much. Counseling will help you and your children find some balance. You sound like a good person, and you will make some woman a great catch. When you're ready, tell your friends you're interested in dating again, and let them help you get back into circulation.
Dear Annie: You recently printed a letter from "Mother of the Forgotten Grandson," whose in-laws ignore her newest child. I don't know if I am the grandparent the writer is referring to, but I have a similar situation.
My son just had his fourth boy, but the other three are not disciplined, and the parents have no control over them. Every time they come over, they break something. I have mentioned their poor behavior to my son and his wife, but was told, "Boys will be boys." Frankly, I've had it, and so have my nerves.
My granddaughters aren't wild hellions like my grandsons, and they are a pleasure to have here. If the boys behaved more like gentlemen than cavemen, we might want to be in their presence more often. Grandfather on His Last Nerve
Dear Grandfather: We certainly can understand that undisciplined, wild kids are a royal pain. However, please don't let that be an excuse to keep your distance. You can still see the children, for shorter visits, at their house. When those boys grow up, you will be glad you made the effort to remain part of their lives.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox™, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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