KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox They are the kind of parents their nephews need

Dear Annie: My mother, my husband and I are co-raising my younger sister's two wonderful boys. My sister has many issues (drugs being one of them) and only wants to be a mom when it is convenient. My mother wants to be a grandma but will not help discipline the kids. Basically, she wants to be liked.
My husband and I adore the boys, but unfortunately, we are their only disciplinarians, and the boys tend to resent that. Also, we have a child of our own, and he adores his cousins, but we are afraid that he may start to act like them.
I've talked to my Mom about this, and she believes she is doing her part, but in a more relaxed manner. She allows the boys to ransack her home on a daily basis and believes that I'm too stern and impatient.
How do we resolve this without losing the boys to the dark side, and how can we get my mom on the same program? Arizona Auntie
Dear Auntie: Let your mother be a grandma. She isn't willing to be anything else, and there's no point in arguing endlessly. If your discipline methods are fair and consistent, all of the children will learn to respect you, and they will behave in your presence. The fact that they are testing your limits is normal, so make sure they know what those limits are. You have taken on an enormous responsibility, but you sound quite capable. We commend you for caring enough about your nephews to be the kind of parent they need. Please don't give up on them.
Dear Annie: Your advice to "Crying Mother" was less than adequate. She was upset that her daughters made comments about putting her into a nursing home. You should have advised the mother to empower herself to investigate various living options that are available to her between now and the time of her death.
These options include: (1) in-home support services when it is safe for her to continue living independently at home with some help; (2) home sharing with someone who will provide assistance in exchange for rent; and (3) retirement centers offering the full continuum of care, from independent living up to 24/7 supervised care, paying for it with a reverse mortgage.
"Crying Mother" needs to make her own decisions for the way she wants every aspect of her remaining years to go and not leave it up to her daughters when she is incompetent to make decisions. She should call the local senior center, department of aging services and the Area Agency on Aging in her county. These professionals make referrals as part of their regular duties. A healthy 74-year-old woman has a lot of living to do, and doing it in the company of fun-loving and active people her own age, rather than her cruel, thoughtless daughters, is a good start. Empowering Senior Center Manager
Dear Manager: Thank you for providing a more thorough response. Your suggestions are excellent, and we hope our readers will use them as a guide when the time comes.
Dear Annie: My niece recently was married in a civil ceremony. Now she is planning a big wedding for next February. My son will be the best man, and my daughter is the maid of honor. My niece expects them to give a couple's shower as well as arrange the bachelor and bachelorette parties. This seems excessive to me. And isn't it deceptive to invite hundreds of guests to a wedding that already has taken place? Aunt in San Bernardino, Calif.
Dear Aunt: Many couples who have had civil ceremonies later have religious weddings and/or large receptions. It also is OK to have a couple's shower if there were no other showers. However, it's a bit late for bachelor and bachelorette parties, and we hope your children can talk the bride out of those.
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