KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox 'Mona's' relationship with 'Jane' concerns him

Dear Annie: I'm 40 years old and the single father of a teenage daughter. I've recently become engaged to my high school sweetheart, "Mona." I very much look forward to building a life with my new family, but there's a problem: Mona has a roommate, and she wants the roomie to live with us after we're married.
Mona is 39, and her roommate, "Jane," is 25. Mona never has been married or had children, and over the last few years she's come to regard Jane as a surrogate daughter. Jane is emotionally needy and has a hard time making decisions for herself, so she leans heavily on Mona to do her thinking for her. Although Jane's a sweet and friendly girl and I like her, I'm concerned that the four of us sharing a house is going to be a source of conflict.
We've discussed the situation, and Mona is very defensive and emotional about not giving up Jane just yet. She wants Jane to live with us for a year or so until she finishes graduate school, but I have a sinking feeling that once Jane is here, she's going to be with us for the long haul.
Am I being unreasonable to ask Mona not to bring Jane into our home? Conflicted in Kentucky
Dear Kentucky: How long has Mona lived with Jane that the relationship is so interdependent? And, we hate to ask, but are you certain about Mona's sexual orientation? This seems mighty strange to us.
If Jane is emotionally dependent, Mona should help her become self-sufficient instead of enabling her to remain immature and clingy. She can still keep in close touch, but a loving "parent" does not encourage an adult child to move in with Mom and Dad. Please hash this out with Mona before making any commitments.
Dear Annie: My children are 11 and 12 years old. Every year around the holidays, I try to teach them about giving to those less fortunate. In previous years we have served Thanksgiving dinner at homeless shelters, and taken clothing and food to a day care center in the inner city.
Well, (sigh), last year, we donated our children's old coats through a local collection program. I pulled the kids from school and took them along, but all they did was complain about missing school, and carry on about how much they didn't want to come. How do I help my children "get it"? Trying to Help in Michigan
Dear Michigan: Your kids are "getting it" more than you think (although they also can "get it" on weekends and not miss school). Don't let their whining convince you to leave them at home. In fact, involve them more in the process of selecting the items to give away, and envisioning the children who will use them. Even when they complain, they are absorbing the lessons of generosity and kindness, and when they are older, they undoubtedly will emulate the example you are setting. Keep plugging, Mom, and bless you.
Dear Annie: My two sons, ages 7 and 11, often ask my retired father-in-law to take them fishing at the local lake. Each time they get the same answer -- no.
Recently, my two nieces, ages 5 and 11, visited my in-laws. I was astonished to discover that my in-laws had bought them brand-new fishing poles, taken them fishing and photographed the entire event. Unfortunately, the pictures were shared with my children. Needless to say, the kids were quite upset.
This isn't the first such incident. My boys are beginning to feel left out and unloved. They want to move away "so their grandparents will spend special time with them, too." Should I say something to my in-laws? Saddened Mom
Dear Saddened: Absolutely -- and the sooner the better. Your in-laws may not realize how unfair their treatment is, but you should give them the opportunity to correct it. We hope they will.
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