HOW SHE SEES IT Canada: A flu shot, eh?

By JILL PORTER
KNIGHT RIDDER NEWSPAPERS
Looks like the worst has happened.
Four more years of fanatical right-wing fundamentalists running the government. Four more years of lies, regressive social policy and Laura Bush.
Clearly, there's only one thing left to do:
Pack up and move to Canada.
You've heard of brain drain? I'm calling this the sane drain -- an exodus of progressive people who find the idea of another Bush administration unbearable.
"If the country votes for Bush, then 51 percent of the people in this country are psychos," one Colorado resident told the Denver Post last week.
He opened a bank account in British Columbia weeks before the election. Smart.
Prep work
So, while you recover from your crying jag, I've done some prep work for you. Herewith, a short guide to our benign neighbors to the North:
1. To emigrate, call the Canadian Embassy in Washington, D.C., at 202-682-1740 or apply online at cic.gc.ca/English/index.html.
2. If you're drowning your sorrows in booze, drink before you go. You can bring in only 1.5 liters of wine or 1.14 liters of booze without a tax.
3. Oh, and learn what a liter is, fast. Also, kilometers and kilograms. And think Celsius instead of Fahrenheit. That's how they measure the temperature. Actually, you might be better off not understanding what the temperature is, because it gets really, really cold there.
4. But at least when you get pneumonia, you won't have to worry about affording a doctor. Canadians have free public health care.
Cultural adjustments
But brace yourselves for some other cultural adjustments.
1. The second language in Canada is French. Can you say cheesesteak avec?
2. Not that they have Cheez Whiz. In fact, their favorite fast food -- called poutine -- is French fries covered with hard cheese and meat gravy. Bleagh.
3. And forget Krispy Kreme. You'll have to settle for a doughnut from Tim Horton's, a chain named for a deceased hockey player.
4. Yes, hockey is the national pastime. So say goodbye to baseball, which might just be a blessing.
5. Finally, some trivia: they have a one-dollar coin they call a "loonie" and a two-dollar coin they call a "toonie." Which presumably means they have a sense of humor. Though not a good one.
These are small sacrifices -- except for the Cheez Whiz -- to make for sanity. There's no death penalty, real gun control and legal gay marriage.
And, unlike most of the rest of the world, Canadians actually still like us. "We have a tremendous affection for Americans and America," said Tim Woods, a Canadian immigration expert.
X Jill Porter is a columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News. Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services.