Be careful what you right

Almost a year ago, I ran a column headlined, "Teachers, beware: It's an 'as fault' jungle out there." It related to some of the misspeaks (or miswrites) students have submitted during my grading of college essays.
Later, reader Nancy Leone wrote identifying the proper term, which is malapropism. Her daughter Kelly, she said, from a very young age "kept us 'befuddled' with her many malaprops."
The term comes from a character in a late 18th century comedy named "The Rivals." Mrs. Malaprop quite often made odd word substitutions, as when she said, "My flatulence over my niece is very small." Presumably, what Mrs. Malaprop meant to say was, "My influence over my niece is very small."
Malapropism then, according to Merriam Webster, is "the usually unintentionally humorous misuse or distortion of a word or phrase ..."
Yes, certainly, that's what the students do.
Malapropisms are used frequently in writing
While my earlier column noted that many students thought driveways were paved with "as fault," I have discovered a unique use for another building material. One of my essay writers offered that people too often take their "talent for granite."
On an entry placement exam for English, one student suggested that society needed to do more research into the reasons for there being "cereal killers." I'm sure Kellogg's will be deeply interested in the results.
When a student was asked to comment on Calvin Coolidge's famous quote about how talent pales when compared to persistence, he wrote "Persistence is a strong adjective." Well, I got his point, but persistence is actually a noun - not a good malapropism for an English placement exam.
Yet another student disagreed with the test prompt which was designed to inspire a short essay. He argued that the prompt quotation kept "counterdicting itself."
Some words are usedcompletely out of context
I wondered if one of the students had been told to "get the wax out of your ears!" just one time too many times when she wrote, "She was very votive." In context, it was probably meant to read, "She was very naive."
"On the other hand of the scale," one student said in a malapropian transition. More importantly, a young man insisted, "Students go through high school without studing." Well, thank heaven for THAT, at least!
It is hard to blame these students for their one-time sidesteps. After all, it may be that their grammar, reading, and writing skills are "suffering from neglection," as one test taker put it.
But, let's get back to Leone's daughter, currently Kelly Takacs, who, no doubt, was NOT suffering from neglection.
These are Kelly's youthful malapropisms.
Cannonball -- a South American native who eats people
Constipation -- when you know it's there, but it won't come out
Miles Well -- "We are all done shopping so we miles well go home."
Dughouse -- the place where baseball players stay when it rains
(These remind me of my son's request to play "cowboys and idiots," and my 17-year-old daughter's relatively recent discovery that the car's front window is NOT called the "wind chill." When she was just three, however, we got into a mighty argument over whether the preschool teacher had actually taught her to sing, "Missile man, he play two, he play tictac on my shoe, with a nicnac ... ")
Malapropisms seem to get worse as you get older
But the fun didn't stop when Kelly grew up. "More recently," Leone wrote, "After moving into her brand-new home in Florida, she said that she needed to call the post office to have a "postal digger" put in her mail box." (Post hole, we presume.)
Leone continued in her letter, "After a long day, [Kelly] brewed a nice hot cup of tea. She informed me that she was letting the teabag 'seep.' And that her cup held 10 'floral ounces.'"
"I never know what she's going to come up with," Leone concluded. "I am sure the kids in Florida are learning a whole new language."
If you are wondering what she meant by that, perhaps you should know that Kelly grew up to become an English teacher ...
murphy@vindy.com