JOHN ROSEMOND | Parenting Don't get upset with messy children

Q. My husband and I have three boys, ages 4, 5 and 8. The two younger ones share a room that looks like "tornado alley." They color, play with Legos, tear up paper and the like all day. They give me no problem when I tell them it's time to clean up, but within minutes, it can look like a disaster again. The 8-year-old does the same thing, but on a slightly smaller scale, since there's only one of him. I'm constantly telling them to straighten it up and am beginning to feel like a certified nag. Should I just close the door and let them have at it?
A. You're not going to get a lot of sympathy from me; nor will you, I expect, from my readers. After all, you've got three boys who occupy their own time by playing creatively through the day, clean up without complaint when you tell them to do so and are polite and respectful enough not to have told you that you are becoming a certified nag. Yes, you are.
The source of your stress is not that your children make creative messes. After all, you should praise the Lord that they mess in their rooms and, in the meantime, leave you alone! Now, you need to learn to leave them alone. One good turn deserves another, after all. No, the source of your stress is your own somewhat unreasonable expectation that they play creatively without making a mess. Let's face it, creativity is messy.
You should expect them to clean up their rooms, once a day, before bed. During the day, have them keep their doors closed.
Doesn't like change
Q. My son will be 21/2 next month. I recently started a family day care at my home. I took in a 3-year-old boy and a 16-month-old girl. My son is not handling this change well. He has become extremely aggressive, especially with the little girl. Yesterday, he bit the little boy, for no reason. When he is aggressive, I put him in time-out, but he won't stay there when the other children are present. We've participated in play groups and I've never seen this sort of behavior. The last two weeks have been awful. He spent most of the time in time-out, and he's obviously not happy. He became a monster all of a sudden, but only when the kids are here. On the weekends, he's back to his normal sweet self. What do you suggest I do to stop the aggression while I'm running my new business?
A. Unfortunately, I don't think you're going to be able to stop your son's aggression, not any time soon. Sometimes, the forces behind a child's misbehavior trump any punishment adults can come up with. This is one such situation.
Your only options are to accept that through no fault of your own or anyone else's, this experiment is a failure and call it quits, or find another mother who operates an in-home day care and exchange her toddler for yours. The problem you describe is fairly common among home day-care operators with toddlers because toddlers are generally not ready to share their mothers with other children the same age or younger.
XJohn Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th Street, Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 and at his Web site: www.rosemond.com/.