'Helen' suffers predictability

Everything the viewer needs to know about the film is in the title.
By MILAN PAURICH
VINDICATOR CORRESPONDENT
Garry Marshall is a sad case of a director -- Barry Levinson is another recent example -- whose Midas Touch turned to lead somewhere along the way and is now incapable of making an even remotely watchable movie. "Raising Helen," Marshall's latest abomination, will depress anyone with fond memories of past Marshall pleasures like "The Flamingo Kid," "Nothing in Common" and "Frankie and Johnny." Even middling Marshall films like "Young Doctors in Love" and "Overboard" look like Golden Age classics.
"Overboard" turns out to be an especially poignant reference, and not just because its title symbolizes Marshall's recent creative meltdown. In a six degrees of separation twist even Kevin Bacon would appreciate, that 1987 screwball romance starred Goldie Hawn, the mother of "Helen" lead Kate Hudson. As much as we all love Goldie, the sad truth is that she made more terrible movies ("There's a Girl in My Soup," "The Girl from Petrovka") in her 35-year screen career than truly memorable ones ("Shampoo," "Private Benjamin"). And Hudson, bless her soul, seems to be copying her mom's lousy taste in scripts ("How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," "Alex and Emma," et al) as slavishly as she is Hawn's trademark kewpie-doll adorableness and infectious giggle.
About the character
It's easy to picture Hawn playing "Raising" lead Helen Harris 20 or 30 years ago. Certainly the pea-brained screenplay by Jack Amiel and Michael Begler seems as though it's been kicking around that long. The title character is introduced at the posh Manhattan modeling agency where she works as administrative assistant to boss Dominique (Helen Mirren). Amiel and Begler waste no time in establishing career gal Helen's unsuitability as a mother. Our heroine works at a modeling agency (how superficial can you get?); exclusively dates male models; drinks frou-frou coffee beverages; goes to decadent New York night clubs; and even, shudder, smokes cigarettes. Helen is so irresponsible she even shows up late for her eldest sister's birthday party in suburban New Jersey.
Naturally Helen is the favorite aunt of her nieces and nephews because she's still just a kid at heart. When the birthday girl and her husband (Felicity Huffman and Sean O'Bryan) die in a car accident, Helen is understandably puzzled to discover that she's been granted sole custody of their three kids: teenager Audrey (Hayden Panettiere), tweener Henry (Spencer Breslin), and barely-out-of-diapers Sarah (Abigail Breslin). Since SUV-driving middle sister Jenny (Joan Cusack) is such an obvious choice to raise the orphans, Helen's Ms. Mom predicament makes as little sense to the audience as it does to the movie's other characters.
Helen's new wards predictably wreak havoc on her glamorous lifestyle. She gets fired from her glamorous job; is forced to abandon her cozy Manhattan bachelor pad for a dumpy apartment in Queens; and, ick!, becomes a used-car dealer's receptionist just to pay the rent. Even worse, Helen is so hard up that she's reduced to dating a Lutheran minister ("My Big Fat Greek Wedding" groom John Corbett) when all those hunky models stop asking her out.
Obvious elements
Because everything you need to know about "Raising Helen" is spelled out in the film's title, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to deduce that Helen will undergo a spiritual transformation before the end credits. As her reward for finally accepting the responsibilities of motherhood ("I need them and I want them back!") and becoming an even better parent than "super mom" Jenny, Helen gets rehired -- with a promotion, no less -- by Dominique. And, oh yeah, that square-peg minister turns out to be the best boyfriend she ever had.
I don't know what's more obnoxious about "Helen:" making wonderful actors like Cusack, Huffman and Mirren look like ninnies due to their insipid, clich & eacute;-ridden roles, or the groaning obviousness of nearly every aspect of the film. Marshall's song choice during the family's outing at the Central Park Zoo is Simon and Garfunkel's "At the Zoo." 'Cause they're at the zoo. Get it?
XWrite Milan Paurich at milanpaurich@aol.com.