HOW HE SEES IT Hell hath no fury like ...

By JIM SHEA
THE HARTFORD COURANT
The Gates of Hell.
Admitting: Name, last name first, please?
O'Brien, Tim.
Address, city and state?
Colorado Springs, Colorado.
Why have you been referred here?
I'm Catholic and I was planning to vote for John Kerry.
Oh boy, not another one. See that long line over there? Go stand in it. I gotta try to straighten this out.
(Rrrrrrring)
Administration, this is Eva, how may I direct your call?
Eva, Adolf down in Admitting.
Mister Fuhrer, Poopsie, it's been ages, how's tricks?
Decision time
Same old, same old. Look, is the big guy in? We need him to make some decisions. We're getting all backed up down here.
Gee, I don't know what to tell you. Mr. Lucifer is on a recruiting trip.
Still, he's been gone for weeks.
What can I tell you, hon, he's really impressed with this Donald Rumsfeld guy.
Who isn't down here? But I'm telling you we have a looming bureaucratic nightmare on our hands.
Why don't you tell me what the problem is and I'll pass it on.
OK, well there's this new Catholic bishop out in Colorado Springs, his name is Sheridan. And he's telling his people that if they vote for a politician like Kerry, who supports abortion rights, stem-cell research, euthanasia or same-sex marriage, they can't receive communion.
Let me guess: Kerry supporters are taking communion anyway.
You got it, and now we're running into a big problem when they die.
Which is?
Clergy's feelings
Well, in the past these types of retirees went directly upstairs for review and usually we never saw them again. But now Peter's got his people turning them away because he doesn't want to upset the clergy any more than he has to these days.
I can understand Peter's position. We have been handling a lot of defrocks the last few years. What I'm not getting is why you don't just process the Kerry referrals and be done with it?
Because we have our standards. Kerry people may be liberals, even look a little French, but they really aren't hell material.
True, it's not like they're Nader-ites.
Exactly.
You're right, Poopsie, this could become a major headache. What if all the American bishops started doing it? Or what if this Bishop Sheridan decides to tell his people they can't receive communion if they don't vote for President Bush.
Isn't that what he's doing?
You know, let me see if I can get Mr. Lucifer on his cell.
X Jim Shea is a columnist for the Hartford Courant. Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services.