Sloops offer that sinking feeling

The postcard arrived in the mail. It was an advertisement, and it boasted, "THE NEW LOOK IS HERE!" -- all capitals, bold lettering, intensely exciting!
More bold words proclaimed, "Introducing Sloops -- A unique loopless 5-pocket jean (patent pending)."
It was still kind of interesting, but the next section read, "Designed by a suspender wearer to complement and fit the physique of the typical suspender wearer -- no hips, no rear end."
For men only
At this point, it was more than clear that Sloops were only for men. The postcard had been written in the language of men, a language quite foreign to women.
The next section confirmed my suspicion: "Sloops are designed with the extra inch to allow for waistline expansion when seated or normal waistline bloating after eating."
Lives there a woman who would ever buy something that touted its ability to expand for "normal waistline bloating after eating"?
There will never be a day when a women's jean manufacturer offers:
"SLOPS!" Designed for the unique build of an aging woman -- big hips, wide rear end, extra support for things that sag! Coming to a store near you!!
Or perhaps:
"Oops" -- for that inevitable paunch that follows too many childbirths!
Or "DROPS" -- a bra for older women who ... never mind. It'll never happen.
It is yet another sign that men and women come, not only from different planets, but different universes, and certainly, speaking different languages.
The makers of women's clothing would no sooner be honest than would the saleslady in an upscale clothing store. She might say, "I have something else that will look even better on you," but never, "Oh my, you look like a sausage in a casing in that! Let's try something less fitted."
Women's clothing ads offer items that are "simply elegant" or "uniquely classic." If they accommodate some thoroughly insignificant problem of physique, they offer "extra support" or are "comfortable." They don't accommodate "after eating bloating"!
In the name
While men are willing to shop in a department called, "Big and Tall," women will have none of that. A female shopper who is 6 feet 2 inches and wears a size 24 wants clothing in a department simply labeled "Women."
Women who are 4 feet 9 inches and weigh 140 pounds want to be called "Petite Sophisticates."
Let me introduce the quintessential male to you: my father. He has been known to greet a male friend by saying, "Wow, look at that gut on you. You got fat." And while no one is racing around trying to get his honest opinion on their fashion choices, he hasn't lost any male friends either.
The first woman that greets me with, "Holy moly, your thighs are like blubber," is going to get hit so hard her liposuction doctor is going to feel it. This is not the female way.
(When one female friend once offered, "You shouldn't weed your lawn with your rear end facing the road anymore," I reconsidered our friendship.)
Terse commentary
This difference is ever more evident in the commentary my husband offers when my daughter or I buy new outfits. Whereas, if John appeared in a new sweater, I might say, "You look handsome in that sweater," or "I really love that color with your hair," John says, "Wow."
I'm done. That's all he says.
Wait a minute; I'm lying. Sometimes, he says, "That's nice." But not both in the same sentence. Never, "Wow, that's nice!" That would be overstating.
I just watched my daughter model 10 pieces of clothing for him and heard 10 "wows."
He is even more succinct when he doesn't like something. In that case, John just stares for a while. You can almost hear him thinking, "That's awful; what can I say?"
"Wow."
Well, anyway, back to Sloops. I wish them well, but they may even be a little too straightforward for men. Even a guy with no rear end, no hips and a bloated waistline probably has a modicum of vanity.
murphy@vindy.com