MARK BROWN | Opinion All-time worst songs finally get recognition they deserve

What makes a bad song?
Why, Creed does, of course.
Oops, beg your pardon -- we're talking what, not who.
Brain-burrowing hooks, schlock lyrics, cutesy arrangements and overwhelming earnestness make for a good start on a bad song.
Blender's recent 50 worst songs of all time barely scratched the surface. Bad songs come to everyone. They know no era, no genre and, regrettably, no expiration date.
Clearly horrible
There are some tunes that should be retired from any worst-song competition: "Afternoon Delight," "The Macarena," "Torn Between Two Lovers," "Feelings" and anything ever recorded by the Bay City Rollers. They're already jokes, songs so obviously awful that people play them only as a twisted prank.
Some don't deserve the list because, awful as they were, they had the dignity to go away and never got called back into active duty as a Taco Bell jingle.
"Precious and Few" by Climax and "How Do You Do?" by Mouth & amp; MacNeal are as heinous as anything on any list anywhere, but few remember them.
Inspired by Blender, here are 25 more songs that cry out to be on the list.
Top picks
1. "Brand New Key," Melanie: Possibly the least-appealing sexual innuendo in any song ever.
2." Freedom," Paul McCartney: Proof of his one-time claim that he can write a song in just five minutes.
3. "Jenny From the Block," J-Lo: The performer's contribution to the decline of Western civilization.
4. "How You Remind Me," Nickelback: "Never made it as a wise man." You don't say!
5. "I've Never Been to Me," Charlene: Save the cab fare, sister.
6. "In the End," Linkin Park: Sniveling self-pity as an art form.
7. "Billy Don't Be a Hero," Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods: Wrong on so many levels we can't begin to explain.
8. "The Night Chicago Died," Paper Lace: Besides this atrocity, these sadists also recorded "Billy Don't Be a Hero."
9. "Tie a Yellow Ribbon," Tony Orlando: How did this vapid song about a needy ex-con get turned into a tribute to our soldiers?
10. "You Decorated My Life," Kenny Rogers: Presumably with a trip to the 99 Cent Store.
11. "Say You Say Me," Lionel Richie: Say what? Reminder of why, at one point, '80s radio stations would play anything Richie recorded.
12. "Seasons in the Sun," Terry Jacks: We had joy, we had fun ... but never when this song was playing.
13. "Barely Breathing," Duncan Sheik: So put all of us out of our misery, already.
14. "Sometimes When We Touch," Dan Hill: So overwrought it's bloodless.
15. "Man, I Feel Like a Woman," Shania Twain: Man, I feel like poking my eardrums out with an ice pick.
16. "Sk8r Boi," Avril Lavigne: Horrible tune that teaches your daughters the valuable lesson that men are worthwhile only if famous.
17. "Nookie," Limp Bizkit: So unsexy that Fred Durst must have written this as a work of fiction.
18. "Silly Love Songs," Wings: Even Paul McCartney won't play this atrocity anymore.
19. "American Pie," Madonna: Like painting a mustache on the Mona Lisa.
20. "Come on Eileen," Dexy's Midnight Runners: Friends don't let friends play this lurching roller-coaster of a song.
21. "What I Am," Edie Brickell & amp; the New Bohemians: "Shove me in the shallow water/before I get too deep," she sings. Not much danger of that.
22. "If You Could Only See," Tonic: Wuss rock at its lowest.
23. "Hot Child in the City," Nick Gilder: Disco wasn't the worst thing about the '70s -- this was.
24. "Sussudio," Phil Collins: This resulted from a stray word at a sound check; it should have stayed there.
25. "Maxwell's Silver Hammer," The Beatles: A cloying nursery rhyme about a murderer that McCartney insisted would be a hit. Go figure.
XBrown writes for Rocky Mountain News in Colorado.