KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Mary's concern wasn't an attempt to reconcile

Dear Annie: My sister, "Mary," hasn't spoken to our mother in nearly 10 years. She says she has her reasons, but I don't know what they are. Mom's husband recently was diagnosed with terminal cancer and won't live much longer. Out of the blue, Mary called Mom to say she was sorry about her husband's situation and that if Mom needed help to let her know. Naturally, she didn't leave her phone number.
Mary called me to say she wasn't attempting to reconcile, only to express her concern. She plans on attending the funeral, but she has no intention of talking to Mom then, either. I told Mary she was cruel to give Mom false hope.
Mary asks me daily how my stepfather is doing, but I refuse to be the messenger. I told her if she wants information, she should call Mom. She won't do this, claiming she's too busy.
Mary will not attend any family function where Mom is present, and consequently, she has alienated herself from the entire family. What do you think of this mess? Mary's Unhappy Sister
Dear Sister: It's sad that Mary is unwilling to work through her problems with Mom. Although you do not have to be the intermediary, sometimes it helps the family relationship when siblings maintain contact. It eases the way if Mary should ever decide to reconcile, and it might comfort your mother to know Mary is still in touch. Discuss with your mother how she would like you to handle Mary's phone calls, based upon how much you are willing to do.
Dear Annie: I am a male junior in high school and a huge fan of your column. My problem is, I am too shy to ask a girl out. Do you have any advice on how to start a conversation? Wheeling, W.Va.
Dear Wheeling: It might help to stop thinking of girls as potential dating partners and think of them as friends. That will take some of the pressure off.
Most people like to talk about themselves. A good approach is to make a casual comment or ask a girl's opinion on areas of common interest -- classes, teachers, upcoming school events, favorite music, TV shows, movies. As you get to know her, ask if she'd like to go with you and a bunch of friends to the mall or the arcade. If you have her screen name, IM her something funny. Let her see your sense of humor. Practice a little flirting while staying friendly. The rest will come.
Dear Annie: A year ago, a co-worker needed to move closer to her family, which was an hour away from her job. "Carol" mentioned she'd have to drive back and forth twice a week or stay in a motel. Certain that it would be short-term, my husband and I agreed that Carol could stay with us, free of charge, while she searched for a new job. Carol was thrilled and began staying with us two nights a week.
That was a year ago, and she is still here. Carol is a good house guest. She usually brings ready-cooked meals or buys groceries to help out, but we'd like to have our privacy back. How do we tell Carol that she has overstayed her welcome? I refuse to hurt her feelings, but I need her to know she should retire or find a job closer to home. It's reached the point where I feel sick to my stomach all day just thinking of her being in our house. Any suggestions? Too Comfortable in Our Home
Dear Too Comfortable: You've made things too cozy for Carol, and she is taking advantage of your kindness. Say, "Carol, we've enjoyed having you, but we need our privacy, and you need to make other arrangements." Then go on to say, "I'd be happy to look through the want ad section with you and do whatever else I can to help you find work closer to your home." (Give her lots of encouragement.)
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