MOVIE REVIEW 'Van Helsing' is just tiring

The movie is a lot of flash and not much substance.
By MILAN PAURICH
VINDICATOR CORRESPONDENT
In "Van Helsing," director Stephen Sommers attempts to do for the holy trinity of horror movie icons -- Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster and the Wolfman -- what he did for that cobwebbed Egyptian crypt dweller in his groovy Brendan Fraser "Mummy" blockbusters: turn them into cannon fodder for an Indiana Jones-style swashbuckler. The fit is all wrong this time, I'm afraid.
It probably isn't polite to point out that the character of vampire-slayer Van Helsing first introduced in Bram Stoker's 1897 novel was old enough to quality for an AARP card. He definitely wasn't the swarthy Australian he-man played by Hugh Jackman in an obvious bid to exploit his "X-Men" Wolverine persona. (Anthony Hopkins' Van Helsing in "Bram Stoker's Dracula" was a lot closer to the mark.)
Of course, the venerable Van Helsing never did battle with the Wolfman, Mr. Hyde or Dr. Frankenstein's creature, either. Although I know there's a noble Hollywood tradition of cross-breeding movie monsters ("Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man," "Dracula vs. Frankenstein," et al.), here it just seems like a cheap marketing ploy for a future Universal Studios Orlando attraction. (Hey, wait -- it already is! "Van Helsing: Fortress Dracula" is on view at the Sunshine State theme park.)
Tiring
Overproduced, half-baked and ultimately wearying, Sommers' bombastic state-of-the-art special-effects extravaganza straddles a fine line between entertainment and exhaustion for two noisy hours before finally succumbing to CGI fatigue. There's precious little horror or even suspense in the film's gattling-gun approach. "Van Helsing" is really just one "big" action setpiece after another, all fatally lacking in coherence or genuine excitement. Plus, Sommers does so much breathless globe-hopping, you'd swear this was a dress rehearsal for Jackie Chan's upcoming "Around the World in 80 Days" remake.
The screenplay is less interested in telling an actual story that setting up elaborately choreographed derring-do -- and a potential sequel. What "plot" there is concerns Van Helsing's efforts to save the last two members of the Valerious vampire-hunting dynasty (Kate Beckinsale is undead butt-kicker Anna, and Will Kemp plays brother Velkan who gets turned into a werewolf) from Count Dracula's choppers.
Because good guy Van Helsing comes equipped with an armory of monster-mashing devices stored underneath St. Peter's Cathedral and Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh of "Moulin Rouge" fame) bears an uncanny resemblance to the late funnyman Phil Hartman, you know this isn't going to be a fair fight.
Too bad it's not any fun either. I haven't been as disappointed, or annoyed, by an "event movie" since last November's insufferable "Matrix Revolutions." Fangs, but no fangs.
XWrite Milan Paurich at milanpaurich@aol.com.