KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox 'Tom' doesn't seem to be working at finding a job

Dear Annie: I am engaged to a wonderful man. He treats me with love and respect, and his entire family has welcomed me warmly. The problem is, "Tom" is unemployed. I earn a very good living, so Tom moved in with me. While he seems anxious about the fact that he isn't working, he won't discuss it.
Tom spends all day playing on his computer and watching sports. He claims to be responding to classified ads, but in this day and age, there is so much more he ought to be doing to get hired. He is over 30 and should be able to support himself. I want a partner in life, not a dependent. When I ask him, very gingerly, about his job search, he shuts down and threatens to move out. I love Tom very much, but I'm afraid this will be the end of us. What can I do? Boston
Dear Boston: In all fairness, the job market is not easy to break into right now and Tom is most likely discouraged. That's no excuse, however, for giving up.
You can help by researching jobs online and putting out feelers with your friends and associates. Help him write a resume. Set up an appointment with a job counselor. If he's depressed, ask him to see a therapist. Tom is too young to develop a pattern of avoiding his responsibilities. Even if he has to take an entry-level, minimum-wage job, you should insist that he contribute to the household income.
Dear Annie: My wife recently took our station wagon full of baby clothes and toys to a college friend who just had a little girl. She then informed me that when her friend is finished with the items, they will be returned to us. We do not need these baby things returned. We are not going to have more children.
We live in a nice house, but it already looks like a storage locker. My wife refuses to get rid of anything. There are piles everywhere, boxes of clothes, boxes of photographs, stacks of newspapers, you name it. Every flat piece of furniture has something piled on top of it. Sometimes my wife will even take something out of the trash or recycling box and save it.
How do I get my wife to make the people in our house more important than worthless junk? My kids are starting to have some of her same attachments, and we have no more room. Cannot Live This Way Much Longer
Dear Cannot: Your wife sounds like a compulsive pack rat, which is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. People with this illness often can be helped with a combination of medication and therapy. For more information and methods of coping, please contact the Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation, 676 State St., New Haven, Conn. 06511 (ocfoundation.org). Meanwhile, consider moving some of her collection to a storage facility. She can visit any time she likes.
Dear Annie: My co-worker, "Joan," is great to work with, but she has some off-putting personal habits. Joan eats constantly, chews with her mouth open and talks with her mouth full, often spraying food on co-workers. She even talks on the phone with clients while chewing in their ear.
I have really had it with her behavior. I like Joan and respect her work, so I'm at a loss as to how to approach her. Any suggestions? Grossed Out in Toronto
Dear Toronto: Do you have a supervisor or a human resources department that handles complaints of this nature? If so, ask them to speak to Joan. If not, you'll just have to suck it up and tell her outright that the vision of her half-masticated food, not to mention the spraying, undermines her professionalism. If you can make her more aware of the situation, she might be willing to do something about it.
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