KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox There are resources available for his mother's care

Dear Annie: I am a single male. My elderly mother has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I know at some point she will require continual care, preferably at home. The problem is that my father is 82 and in poor health. He would not be able to take care of Mom by himself.
While I can assist a great deal and am willing, I have two problems. One, I work full time and could not quit my job to stay with my mother 24 hours a day. I also am concerned that performing personal care for my mother, such as bathing and changing, will not allow her to maintain her dignity.
I am wondering if a nursing home would be best, but I know Mom has always hated the idea of ending up in one. All my friends and relatives feel I should take care of her at home, but I don't see how I can. Your advice? Concerned Son
Dear Son: Your friends and relatives should not be making this decision for you unless they are willing to step in and help. If you truly prefer that your mother be at home, you can arrange for her to receive care from professional nurses, if you can afford it. Also talk to the social worker at the hospital where your mother is being treated and ask about the available resources in your area. In addition, please contact Hospice, a wonderful organization for the care of the terminally ill. Check your phone book or the Internet for a location near you.
Dear Annie: I'd like to say something about parents who refuse to educate their children about sex and birth control, thinking it will lead to trouble.
I had parents like that. I became sexually active at 13, and consequently, I suffered from an STD and an unwanted pregnancy. My parents never talked to me about sex, except to say that I shouldn't have it, and when they found out I was sexually active, they refused to discuss it with me. They continued to preach abstinence and hope for the best. Meanwhile, I suffered from a lack of information about my health and body, and, ultimately, a crippling sense of self-esteem.
It astounds me that there are parents who still believe that educating our young people will hurt them. Don't they know that knowledge is power? When our children learn to drive, we don't just hand them the car keys. We get in the car with them and guide them, because there are lives at stake. We set aside our own fears to teach them a life skill. Until we learn to give sexuality this same respect, we will all suffer mightily and unnecessarily. A Reader in California
Dear Reader: You are absolutely right. Children who do not receive education and guidance about sex from their parents will try to get it somewhere else. Studies have shown that well-informed teenagers are more likely to wait to have sex, and to protect themselves against STDs and unwanted pregnancies.
Preaching abstinence only works if children understand why it matters and how to avoid temptation. And for you parents who can't bring yourselves to talk about sex, get some books on the subject and drop them where your kids will find them on their own. Embarrassment is no excuse for leaving your children unprepared.
Dear Annie: I have been drinking for over 20 years (and yes, it is a problem). I have tried AA, but find that it does not fit into my beliefs, religiously or structurally. Are there any other groups that help with alcoholism? Getting Desperate
Dear Desperate: Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Many hospitals have substance-abuse treatment facilities, or you can look into private centers like the Betty Ford or Hazelden clinics. The prices vary. Talk to your physician and ask for referrals. Good luck to you.
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