KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Wife still thinks there's a chance even after 15-year separation

Dear Annie: My parents have been married for 20 years. Mom has multiple sclerosis, and 15 years ago, Dad decided to leave her. Mom's disease was worsening, and he no longer wanted to take care of her. However, to keep her insurance, they never divorced, and to this day remain legally separated. They live in different cities.
My father speaks to Mom only when it is necessary to discuss their finances. They own land together and have joint banking accounts. Unfortunately, because there is still contact, Mom has put her love life on hold. In her heart, she believes there is a spark remaining and a chance she and Dad will get back together.
Dad, on the other hand, has had a girlfriend for the past five years. In fact, the two of them just bought a house together, which Dad paid for with some of Mom's money from one of their joint accounts. (Dad claims he only co-signed for the girlfriend and the money is a loan.)
It bothers me that Dad refuses to tell Mom he has a girlfriend or that he used Mom's money for the purchase of the house. I want Dad to be honest so Mom will stop harboring fantasies about a reconciliation. My brother, however, feels it would break her heart and possibly accelerate the MS. Everybody else knows about Dad, this other woman and their new investment. It makes Mom look like an idiot.
So, should I talk to Mom or let her find out for herself? Protective Son
Dear Son: Don't tell Mom about the girlfriend. She already may suspect, and pretending otherwise allows her to keep her dignity. If she's still harboring fantasies after 15 years of minimal contact, she doesn't want to give them up. You can encourage her to get on with her life as a single woman, but it will probably take some professional therapy to make her accept her situation.
The money is a different story. Dad should not be mining the joint account without discussing it with your mother. Tell him if he doesn't repay the money by a specified date, you will inform Mom. (Let Dad explain what it was for.)
Dear Annie: I have a son who will receive his master's degree next week. He has told me that he does not want to participate in the graduation because he doesn't like the fuss.
Annie, I am so disappointed. It may not be a big thing for my son, but it's a huge thing for me. He's come so far, and it's quite an achievement. Is this a new trend not to attend one's graduation ceremony? Graduate's Mom
Dear Mom: It is not a new trend. Opting out of what some students consider a large, impersonal graduation ceremony is not unusual.
Explain to your son how much this means to you, that it is a major achievement, that you are proud of him and you want to bask in the glow. Of course, if he says no, please don't push. Perhaps you can celebrate with a party at home or a special dinner. Congratulations, Mom.
Dear Annie: I have a sister who has been diagnosed with osteoporosis. Please help me get more information about this problem and where we can find good treatment for her. Sister in California
Dear Sister: First, your sister should ask her primary care physician to refer her to someone who specializes in osteoporosis. You also can check out local hospitals to see if they have osteoporosis programs or are affiliated with women's clinics that treat osteoporosis.
For resources and information on this disease, please contact the National Osteoporosis Foundation (nof.org), 1232 22nd St., N.W., Washington, D.C. 20037.
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