Mom feels responsible for 'Pete's' death

Dear Annie: A year ago, my oldest brother died at the age of 43. "Pete" lived in another state with his girlfriend. He was a "fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants" kind of guy. As long as he had his booze and cigarettes, he never worried about tomorrow.
About a month before he died, Pete called home to tell Mom that he was having heart trouble and the doctor wanted to operate. Of course, he was broke and wouldn't be able to keep up his rent while he was in the hospital and would have no place to go to recover. Mom offered to pay the rent, but he refused to give her his landlord's name or number, so she didn't know where to send the money. Pete never went back to the doctor, and he died of a heart attack.
It's been a year, and Mom is still so full of guilt and grief that it is overtaking her life. All the "what if's" and "I should have's" are killing her. Another brother blames Mom for not saving Pete and has shut her out of his life. I have suggested grief counseling, but Mom says she can't afford it. I asked her to talk to our pastor, but she will not confide in him. Today, she told me she thought of taking her own life so she could be with Pete, and the only thing stopping her is the trauma it would cause me and my children.
Annie, I see Mom every day, but no matter what I tell her, she still believes Pete's death is her fault, that she actually killed him by not being by his side. I am frantic and don't know where to turn. Please help. Worried in Missouri
Dear Worried: Your mother is not responsible for Pete's unwillingness to take care of his health, but it is not uncommon for grieving parents to take on this burden when a child dies. Her physician might have the name of a grief counselor who is covered by Mom's insurance, or there may be free or low-cost counseling at local hospitals. Also, suggest to your mother that she contact The Compassionate Friends (compassionatefriends.org), P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, Ill. 60522-3696, (877) 969-0010. If she won't make the first move, please do it for her.
Dear Annie: I have been married to "Charles" for six years. He has two beautiful girls from his first marriage, and they live with their mother. The problem is my mother-in-law. She has a personal vendetta against the ex-wife, "Lisa." All my conversations with Mom revolve around her bashing Lisa. Mom will actually call me at work to make nasty comments about her. In fact, we rarely speak of anything else. This makes the ex-wife a constant presence in my life.
I have asked Charles to talk to his mother and stop this unhealthy behavior, but he says, "You handle her." Well, I know anything I say will just set her off. She is Charles' mom, and I am tired of putting up with this nonsense. How can I get her to knock it off? Second Woman in the Bed
Dear Second: Yes, Charles should deal with his mother, but since he won't, you must. Tell her sweetly, "Mom, it's too bad you are so obsessed with Lisa, because I truly would enjoy talking to you about something else." If she keeps ranting, tell her you simply must get off the phone, and hang up.
Dear Annie: This is in response to "Confused in North Carolina." I am a 52-year-old man and am routinely called "Hon" or "Dear" by waitresses and other women, and I find it delightful. It's a sad commentary on the humorless ideology of women when they object to such things. People need to lighten up. Had It with PC in Minnesota
Dear Minn.: Perhaps if your female boss had patronizingly called you "Hon," undervalued your work and given your raise to the female down the hall, you'd feel differently. But we agree that outside the office, such endearments are generally harmless.
Creators Syndicate
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