KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Paranoia could cause more harm than the disease

Dear Annie: My mom, who is a fairly active and healthy person, was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Two weeks after the diagnosis, she had the lump removed. This week, she starts chemotherapy.
I have tried to be supportive, but I don't want to treat Mom as if she's an invalid. My father, on the other hand, is taking this very hard and has told Mom that he doesn't want her to leave the house for the entire treatment period of several weeks. He also told her she must wear a surgical mask if she goes out in public.
I understand that Mom's white blood cell count will be down and she is more susceptible to infection, but I think putting her in "lockdown" will depress her. Dad won't listen to a word I say. I'm afraid his paranoia will kill her faster than any disease she might contract. How can I convince him? Worried about Mom
Dear Worried: Don't pit yourself against your father when it comes to your mother's care. Instead, ask Mom's doctor to discuss the situation with Dad. The doctor's authority will carry more weight than anything you might say.
Even so, while Dad is smothering her, you can provide a much-needed outlet for normalcy. Chemo can be debilitating, so be careful not to plan more than your mother can handle. Bring home some old movie comedies on video or DVD, and watch them together. Invite some of her closest friends over for tea and Scrabble on those days when Mom feels up to it.
Your extra care for Mom will allow Dad to share his burden. Also check out the American Cancer Society (cancer.org) for information and support.
Dear Annie: Is it ever appropriate for a man to wear a western hat in a restaurant? Please elaborate on proper wearing of hats. N.L.
Dear N.L.: There may be western-style restaurants where patrons are expected to keep their hats on, but otherwise, hats should be removed in restaurants. Etiquette rules say the only exception is a hat worn for religious purposes, although we think those who wear hats to cover a medical condition also should get a pass. The rest of you, however, are out of luck.
Dear Annie: A while back, you printed an essay from "Greenville, Mich.," who has MS and wrote a list of Dos and Don'ts for friends and family members. This is for her:
I once had a friend like you. I tried so hard to maintain our friendship, but all I ever heard was "Do this," and "Don't do that." I, too, have feelings, and when you lashed out at me because of your illness, you had a responsibility to explain why you treated me so badly. I can accept apologies and explanations and move on.
Friendship is a two-way street. If you want to have a friend, you also have to be a friend. I await the day when we can understand each other's needs so our friendship can be renewed and grow stronger. Sue in Tracy, Calif.
Dear Sue: : Sometimes people who are in pain feel justified in their anger and don't realize they are treating their loved ones unfairly. We hope your friend will reconsider her harsh words. A phone call from you might mend fences quicker.
We received several comments on the essay "Don't Assume," most from readers who appreciated how well it expressed their own feelings about living with MS. Others might find it helpful to know that many of the sentiments evoked by (and possibly the inspiration for) that piece can be found at The Invisible Disabilities Advocate (www.InvisibleDisabilities.org).
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox™, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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