Bubbles to chairs, freebies abound

VIENNA -- Many, many of you have written to ask me: "Joe, with all the uncertainty surrounding the future of the Giant Eagle LPGA Classic, combined with the rainy weather and the lack of big names, is there any way of knowing exactly what sort of free stuff I can get at the sponsor tents?"
Rest easy, readers. You'll find the answer to that question -- and absolutely no other questions -- in our second-annual trip through the freebie tents at Squaw Creek Country Club.
Ready? I know I am!
Our tour started at the Giant Eagle Activity Center (which, and I hope this doesn't disappoint anyone, has no eagles, giant or otherwise). For the second straight year, I was joined by Vindicator sportswriter Brian Richesson, who agreed wholeheartedly with my sportswriting motto: "If you can't think of any new ideas, just copy what you did last year."
At the first table, we found a chart measuring our BMI (which either stands for "Body Mass Index" or "Brian's Milli-Vanilli Infatuation").
My BMI is 22.5, which falls easily into the "healthy" range.
Brian's is 27, which falls easily into the "overweight" range.
"But that doesn't necessarily mean you're overweight," the woman said. "Do you lift weights?"
"I do some push-ups," Brian said, "once in awhile."
"I lift all the time," I said. "That's how I became so incredibly buff. In fact, I could barely fit through the tent door."
She looked at me, smiled and said: "Yeah, right."
Everyone wins
We bypassed two other tables -- one contained recipes for "The Lean Generation," and the other had a drawing for a Mrs. T's Pierogies T-shirt. We did, however, spin the giveaway wheel, where everyone wins.
Wouldn't it be funnier if one of the spokes said, "Sorry, you lose"?
"That comes later," a woman said, "when we run out of prizes."
Brian won bubble bath. I won two bottles of lotion and a loofah. (Yes, I know what a loofah is. I have sisters, OK?) We decided to give them to Brian's wife, unless, of course, Brian decides to throw on a Kenny G CD later tonight and take a long bubble bath.
We also bypassed the blood pressure test (if God had wanted me to have my blood pressure taken, he wouldn't have made me such a sissy) and another giveaway table, which had pens, buttons and notepads.
Larceny
Once outside, we stopped briefly at the Touched by Nathan tent -- which is a very good cause and is giving away candy -- and walked by the Kellogg's Krave Bar tent, which was unmanned but had a bunch of foldable chairs behind the table.
Just then, a young guy walked up to us and said, "Dude, those are nice chairs. You think they're giving them out for free?"
Beats me.
"I'm taking one," he said. "Cover me."
(And, to our discredit, we did.)
The Citibank tent might be the best out here. They're giving away chairs and umbrellas, but if you're approved for a card, they send you a free DVD player. And the man assured us that your information is not sold to telemarketers. (MBNA said the same thing.)
Grand prize
Clear Channel has some candy and is holding drawings for some free giveaways (gift certificates to J.B. Robinson Jewelers and Nicolinni's Ristorante and a hotel package from Das Dutch Village). I also got a magnet with a cow on it from Smith's Dairy. (Score!)
MBNA has chairs, visors and beach towels and, if you're approved, you get a free Burton golf bag. The two women working at the tent wanted me to say that they are the "prettiest ladies here" and that theirs is the "world's greatest promotion."
"Sure," I said. "I think outright lies are funny."
They laughed. I think.
U.S. Airways VISA has Ben Hogan hats, Time Warner is giving away free cups and pens, Cellular One has free lanyards and bags and Shepherd of the Valley has free suntan lotion.
"Not the best pick for this year," the woman said of the suntan lotion.
Nah, but that's OK. By then I was already thinking about what I wanted to do to relax after the long tour.
Speaking of, I wonder if Giant Eagle has any more bubble bath?
XJoe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.