HOW HE SEES IT If looks could thrill



By JIM SHEA
HARTFORD COURANT
The White House:
You wanted to see me, Mr. President?
I did, Dick, I did. Have a seat.
It's about the ticket, isn't it?
What makes you think that?
By the way, how's the old ticker.
My heart is fine, sir.
Say, did you get that microwave I sent over to your office?
I did, sir, unfortunately I can't be around microwaves with my pacemaker.
Right, of course. Gee, sorry about that. My bad.
So what did you want to see me about, sir?
The ticket.
I knew it.
The base is concerned about how you match up with John Edwards.
In what way, sir?
Head to head.
When you say head to head, you're not talking about debates, are you?
No.
You're talking about hair.
Right.
Well, sir, I'm afraid we may have to give them that one.
Not necessarily.
Howard Cosell?
You're not thinking toupee, are you sir? Because I've tried them on. I look like Howard Cosell.
No, nothing like that. We're thinking something more natural looking.
Like what, Mr. President?
Dick, have you ever thought about getting a "system."
A system, sir?
Yeah, apparently they have ways of weaving up your own hair and some store-bought stuff into quite a do.
I don't know, sir, I don't have much hair left to work with.
No problem. You see Dolly Parton lately?
Yes sir.
She has a system.
Really?
Yep. Tennis ball has more natural hair than that woman.
You sure about that?
Got it straight from the boys over at the CIA.
Oh.
Here, look at this. We did a little computer-generated mock-up of what you might look like with the right system.
Sir, that's a picture of Brad Pitt.
Complete makeover
Yeah, we figured as long as you were getting a system, we might as well shoot the works, do a complete makeover.
You're talking plastic surgery.
Well, yeah, but nothing major. Maybe a little nip here, a tuck there, some lipo, an implant or two.
I can't believe this.
I know this is asking a lot, Dick, but your looks could be the difference in the election.
Yeah, I know, I know. Brad Pitt, huh? Dick "Achilles" Cheney. It does have a ring to it. Wonder how I'd look in a leather skirt?
Hot, Dick, very, very hot.
XShea is a columnist for the Hartford Courant. Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services.

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