'Expert' presents new diet

I've been studying dieting literature and thinking about the booming diet industry, and I think it's time I cashed in, uh, weighed in with my own diet.
I've never been obese or been on a diet, but I've known people who have and were, and I've done a LOT of reading. (Besides, knowing what you're talking about is highly overrated.)
After exhaustive study, I've decided to call my diet the "Fatkins Diet." Now, don't think I'm making a cheap attempt to capitalize on the ATKINS diet's popularity. I would never imply that my diet is BETTER THAN ATKINS or that ATKINS ENDORSES my diet. In fact, any AMAZING SIMILARITY IN RESULTS BETWEEN FATKINS AND ATKINS is strictly coincidental and likely impossible.
Amazing!
The Fatkins Diet costs you no more than your ordinary food budget. It tastes good and will lead to huge, dramatic decreases in weight. (Note: Results are not typical and were evidenced in people who also watched their calories and began an exercise program. Side effects may include increased perspiration, rapid heart beat, projectile vomiting, post nasal drip, loss of bowel control, excessive drooling, coughing up hair balls, forgetting your spouse's name and obesity, but these side effects were unusual and occurred in less than 96 percent of the two study participants.)
On the Fatkins Diet, you divide everything you order in a restaurant in half. You ask for a doggie bag for one portion and slide it away from you, then eat the other half. When no one is looking, you pull the other half back in front of you, then eat that too, and then put the napkin in the bag.
On the Fatkins Diet, you put your spoon or fork down between every bite. This is not annoying, however, because on the Fatkins Diet you are allowed to jam as much food as you can on your eating utensil. If you can lift it, and most of it fits into your mouth, go for it. Then put your silverware down.
Eating options
On the Fatkins Diet, you are to avoid any foods that start with the letters X or Q. This does not affect your weight in any way, but it makes you FEEL as if you are sacrificing, which is a requirement of all effective diets.
On the Fatkins Diet, for breakfast and lunch, you drink two huge glasses of water before dining. At dinner, you skip the beverage. This plan encompasses two significant studies, one which shows water before meals reduces hunger and the other which shows drinking with meals reduces the efficiency of digestion. (I couldn't decide which study was right, so I went for both of them.)
On the Fatkins Diet, you sit down at the table and look at your plate. It's up to you to decide whether you will avoid carbohydrates, fats, proteins, vitamins, minerals, meat, vegetables, fruits, your spouse, your children or your garnish. As long as you steadfastly avoid at least one thing on the list, per meal, you are dieting successfully. You may rotate through the things if you like.
Techniques
On the Fatkins Diet, you use diet "cards" to skillfully and easily structure your meals, making substitutions according to color coding. Unlike other diets, which require the purchase of expensive "cards," the Fatkins allows you to use an ordinary deck of playing cards. Since there are only two colors, your options are much less limited than in most diets.
On the Fatkins Diet, you have a shake (the King of Spades) for breakfast and lunch, then eat a normal dinner (seven of clubs); or you eat five small meals a day (a straight flush); or you have your largest meal in the middle of the day; or you have a healthy snack before bed; or you avoid eating after 7 p.m.; or you eat whenever you want. These methods are backed by significant scientific studies that show they work.
In short, on the Fatkins Diet there are no hard and fast rules about bad and good foods; you eat whatever you want, whenever you want, but you must use silverware. When you think about it, this eliminates most fast food, unless you are willing to eat it with a fork and have people stare at you. If you are, go for it. I'm not sure it's true, but I heard FATKINS WORKED FOR OPRAH.
murphy@vindy.com