Taking a break on skis

I'd like to take a break from our round-the-clock coverage of meaningless area league rumors to give you an update on my water skiing career.
(For those who have been on vacation, here's the latest: Boardman and Fitch will join the Tri-County League in the next few weeks; Cardinal Mooney and Ursuline plan to consolidate into one school: CarMoosuline; and, in an unprecedented show of unity, the Campbell board of education voted unanimously to start pronouncing the "b".)
Where was I? Oh yes, water skiing. As a respected member of the news media ("Hey, instead of charging people for our product, let's put it on the Internet for free!"), many people in the area count on me to give fair and objective reports of water skiing conditions at Berlin Reservoir despite the very real risk that I'll get a free column out of it.
Getting started
So, last weekend, I joined my friend Aaron, who lives near Hartville ("Where the Amish of Today become the Mennonites of Tomorrow") and my friend Mark, who was visiting from Lakeland, Fla. ("Just a short drive away from much nicer cities!") for a weekend of water fun, fireworks (which, for the benefit of legal authorities, I set off in Delaware) and fruit salad. (Quick question: Does anyone like cantaloupe? I'm convinced no one actually buys it; it just appears and multiplies. Cantaloupe is the mosquito of the fruit world.)
Aaron's family owns a cottage on Berlin, which, for water skiing purposes, is much better than the Mahoning River for two reasons.:
1. There's more space.
2. There are fewer ex-mob members floating face up by your boat.
I'm just kidding, of course. Most ex-mob members in the Mahoning River float face down.
Water skiing is one of our favorite sports, although it usually takes a back seat to one of our other favorite sports: making fun of each other's insecurities.
Thanks to track season, I am the proud owner of one of the world's stupidest-looking tans. I've actually had Iowa farmers drive several hours to Youngstown just to make fun of my tan. Many of them are now floating face down in the Mahoning River.
But I digress. In addition to the cottage, Aaron's family also owns a speed boat and water skis, which are two very important resources to have while water skiing. (Stupidity is another.)
Aaron, who actually got married Saturday, plans to become a youth pastor, but he recently took a sabbatical from college (i.e. he flunked out) to pursue a high-profile career in wheelchair repair.
Mark, who also plans to become a youth pastor, went back to college a few years ago (after flunking out the first time) and will soon graduate with much better grades and many more tattoos than he needs to become a successful youth pastor (i.e. zero).
I am not making any of this up.
Staying alive
All three of us are pretty good skiers in the sense that we have never drowned. I have also never been attacked by a shark in Berlin, which I credit to my incredibly intimidating muscular physique and, to a lesser extent, the fact that there are no sharks in the lake.
All in all, it was a good weekend. I also got to spend time with my brother, Louie, who has three sons and keeps trying to get his youngest son, Connor, to use his left hand on the theory that Connor (who is 2) will have a better chance of breaking into the big leagues as a left-handed reliever than as a righty. (I am also not making this up and I'm pretty sure he's on to something here.)
After reading this scintillating (and semi-accurate) account, I'm sure many of you are wondering, "Joe, just how can I break into the world of water skiing without being eaten by a shark?"
Well, for just $500 a lesson, I'm willing to teach you. Or, if you're one of those obsessive types, you could take a few "professional" classes taught by "qualified instructors" who "actually know what they're doing". Check around at a few local schools to see if they offer any courses.
I'd start with CarMoosuline.
XJoe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.