KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox She's afraid her ex will show their son his porn

Dear Annie: My husband of 20 years recently told me his feelings for me are gone. I was not surprised. I became concerned about our marriage several years ago, when I noticed that "Ned" spent an excessive amount of time online looking at pornography. He would check as many as 30 sites a night, some of them rather perverse, and one was an illegal site that included young teenage girls.
We are no longer together, but I have a 14-year-old son who will be visiting his father, alone, as part of our separation agreement. I am concerned that Ned will expose our son to his pornography collection. He already has told me that looking at such images is "normal" and he sees nothing wrong in showing it to a 14-year-old.
In our final divorce papers, my lawyer is adding language that says Ned's computer has to be locked up when our son visits, but how can I be sure he will comply? I want my son to have a good relationship with his father, but I am afraid to have them spend too much time together.
So, tell me, Annie: Is all this porn a normal guy thing, or is there something wrong with my ex? Am I worrying about my son needlessly? Concerned Mom
Dear Mom: Some men like to look at pornography, but when the urge includes illegal online sites and hours in front of the computer every day, and it wrecks your marriage, it is not "normal." It's an addiction. And the fact that your husband thinks it's OK to show this pornography to his 14-year-old son is downright sick.
Even if Ned's computer is locked up, there are no guarantees he won't show the boy magazines or videos. You need to discuss this with your attorney, and make sure the judge knows what your concerns are. Then talk to your son. He's no doubt aware of pornography, and able to understand that such images are demeaning to women and can create an unrealistic expectation of future relationships. If his father should offer him pornographic material, he needs to develop the conviction to say "no, thanks."
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "No Grimm Stepmom," who asked how long she and her husband should continue subsidizing her 23-year-old stepson's college education. You said to put a time limit on the tuition payments, and possibly have the stepson find a full-time job during the day and attend school at night.
When the writer said she remembers supporting herself at the same age, she ignores the fact that college tuition has risen faster than the rate of inflation. Students today are economically dependent a lot longer than our generation. When I graduated from medical school in 1971, tuition was $2,100 a year. It is now $38,500. Medical students can accumulate $200,000 in debt before they open their first practice.
The middle class is being shut out of many good schools, and students have debt loads that our generation never could have imagined. That stepson sounds like a good kid. I don't think he is gouging his parents. Scottsdale, Ariz., Ophthalmologist
Dear Scottsdale: Thanks for highlighting the difference between today's students and those of previous generations. We agree with you, but that doesn't mean parents should fork over cash indefinitely. At some point, children need to work it out on their own, one way or the other.
Dear Annie: I go to a professional salon for waxing and coloring of my eyebrows. The professional who performs this service for me owns the salon. She expects a tip, and I don't understand why. Am I wrong? Name Withheld in Boston
Dear Boston: No, you are correct. The owner of a salon is not tipped. There is an assumption that the owner receives a percentage of every service performed at the salon and therefore does not receive a gratuity on top of that.
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