KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Caring for her husband has become too much

Dear Annie: My husband, "Todd," had a stroke at the young age of 38. He is now blind, nearly deaf, has seizures, severe short-term memory problems, mood swings and needs care 24/7. He also is selfish, self-centered, and can be physically, verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive.
Todd never leaves me alone. I cannot eat a relaxed meal and haven't had a full night's sleep since his stroke. Todd refuses to go into respite care. He wants me to be the only one who takes care of him. Frankly, I'm at the end of my rope.
I don't how much longer I can keep going before I snap. There are no support groups where we live, and neither of us has family in the area to help. Please tell me what to do. Nothing Left in Illinois
Dear Illinois: Your situation sounds horrendous. Talk to Todd's physician, and tell him what is going on. Todd may have to get respite care whether he wants it or not. Also, look into local assistance through your church, community center, senior center or United Way, and contact the American Stroke Association, 7272 Greenville Ave., Dallas, Texas 75231 (strokeassociation.org) or call them at (888) 478-7653 and ask about the Stroke Family Support Network. We'll be thinking of you.
Dear Annie: My husband will do without sleep to spend time on the Internet. He is a member of several dating services and lists himself as divorced or separated. His profile indicates he weighs less than he really does, earns more, is better educated and is much more caring. He even belongs to a service that will match him up with other adults who want to cheat on their spouses.
I am tired of the secret, deceitful world of the Internet. I believe it is quickly becoming the No. 1 cause of divorce and broken families in America. Abandoned in Texas
Dear Abandoned: The Internet is not the problem, dear, it's your randy husband. The Internet simply makes it easier for him to do what he'd be doing anyway, which is looking for ways to cheat. If you continue to put up with this nonsense, you are aiding and abetting. Your husband may have an obsession, or he simply may enjoy the playacting game. He also could be meeting these women in person, or considering it. Please get some marriage counseling, and see what can be done to help your husband appreciate what he has in the real world before he loses it.
Dear Annie: I would like to add to your response regarding the sister-in-law who stuck the baby's pacifier into her own mouth before giving it to the baby. She had the misguided notion that this would clean the pacifier.
Dental research has shown that the specific bacteria which cause cavities can be transmitted from the caregiver to the infant with such practices. The same goes for sticking the baby's fingers in the mother's mouth, tasting the baby's food before feeding the infant and even kissing the child.
Mothers should be vigilant about practicing common-sense healthy behaviors. Daniel Tan, DDS, Professor, Loma Linda University, School of Dentistry
Dear Dr. Tan.: Thank you for the additional information. Cleaning a child's pacifier by licking it can spread infectious diseases, including colds and flu, not to mention dental decay, which also is an infectious disease. While we don't want to go overboard and tell mothers to stop kissing their babies, it is healthier to limit the number of germs that enter a child's mouth. Wash those pacifiers, please.
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