Romance, time to meet finance

The lights are low, the music is soft, a bottle of wine sits on the table, a wonderful dinner warms you from the inside. ... Time to pop the question.
"Honey, how much money do you have?"
OK, maybe it's not the best moment to pop that question. But at some point or other, with as much tact as possible, any couple planning a future ought to hash out the finances.
Every year or so I write about this subject, and it goes over with a thud. Nobody has ever sent me a grateful note saying, "Gee, thanks, you saved me from a horrible mistake."
And yet we all know that financial issues are a prime cause of problems within couples. Wouldn't you want to know if your intended came with a pile of debt, a gambling habit or a horrible credit rating that would prevent you from getting a mortgage?
Sure you would. You just don't want to be the one to bring it up.
Here's what to do
So do it the easy way: Blame me.
Rip out this column and say, "Honey, look what this jerk in the paper says. Jeez!"
Then talk about how dumb each suggestion is. Here's a summary of the financial compatibility quiz put out by the National Endowment for Financial Education, a nonprofit educational group. It suggests each partner answer the questions separately.
What would you do with a financial windfall? Invest it, blow it or blow just part of it?
With retirement savings, do you put the maximum allowed into your 401(k), just some, or nothing?
Do you pay bills as they arrive, when they're due or not until the spirit moves you?
Do you pay your full credit-card bill every month, as much as you can, or just the minimum?
If you want to buy an expensive item, do you save up, shop around or go into hock to get it right away?
After you are together, would you want to pool resources and share responsibilities, keep separate accounts but share some expenses, or keep all assets as separate as possible?
How closely do you track your finances?
Examining goals
Do you have clear financial goals and a plan for attaining them?
Which of the following would be your top priority: buying a home, buying a car or going on an exotic vacation?
Should each partner be free to make major purchases without consulting the other?
If your partner wanted to quit work to go back to school, would you say "yes," "maybe" or "over my dead body"?
Have you been forthcoming, selective or downright dishonest in discussing your finances with your partner?
The NEFE says if the two of you answer eight or more questions the same, you're financially compatible. If you're different on six or seven, best talk them over pretty thoroughly. And if you can agree on only five or fewer, get help from a financial adviser or couples counselor.
Or just call the whole thing off. (My idea, not the NEFE's.)
What works for you
Actually, financial differences needn't be a deal-killer. Lots of happy couples have differences. But it's wise to know about them upfront.
There's no correct way to set up a joint financial life. If one of you likes to track every dime on the computer and the other couldn't care less, fine -- so long as you're both comfortable with it.
That said, it's a good idea for each partner to have a financial identity. Each should have a verifiable credit history, for example. That way, if you're not together forever, you'll each be able to get a car loan, credit card or mortgage.
Also, the big decisions probably ought to be reached jointly, even if just one of you does the research and pays the bills. You don't want to be hit by a meteor and have your partner suddenly discover there's a second mortgage on the house.
And even if you decide to keep your financial lives mostly separate, you can avoid a lot of friction by using a joint account for any household expenses you share. Otherwise, there has to be a settling-up every once in a while. Take it from me; that's never much fun.
XJeff Brown is a business columnist for The Philadelphia Inquirer. E-mail him at brownj@phillynews.com.