KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Sibling fears brother was responsible for deaths

Dear Annie: My brother killed his only son, and it was ruled a suicide. Our family knows it was not suicide, but we are all afraid to speak up. Some family members simply pretend it didn't happen. When my mother had open-heart surgery, my brother was with her at the time. She died a few days later, and I'm not convinced he didn't aid in her death, too.
My brother lives in another state, so I have not had to worry about him much. However, our stepfather is nearly 86 and has willed many of the family possessions and stocks to the two of us. I'm afraid when the time comes, my brother will try to kill me so he doesn't have to share the wealth.
I live in constant fear. I stay away from my windows and watch who is around when I leave my house. I've tried to figure out who to go to with my concerns, but I worry my brother will somehow find out I was the one who opened my mouth. Who can I safely contact without informing my brother? Anonymous in Ohio
Dear Ohio: You must be frightened to death. Do you have any evidence that your brother was responsible for his son's or your mother's death? If so, you should contact the police immediately. We hope you are mistaken about this accusation.
Meanwhile, it might help to discuss your fears with a therapist because your situation is extremely stressful. Everything you say will be kept strictly confidential.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Sad in Southern California," who couldn't get over the fact that her husband received two free lap dances at a bachelor party. I was in that exact spot one year ago. Like her, I was terribly hurt, and the mental images were blinding.
Please inform her that the pain gets easier. Every time an image comes to her, she needs to consciously push it out of her mind, no matter how many times it occurs. Eventually, these images will fade, and it will be easier for her to want intimacy again. Her husband, on the other hand, needs to listen no matter how many times she tells him how hurt she is, and he must continue to be apologetic. Only time will make this better. Been There in New York
Dear Been There: We agree that she needs to make a conscious decision to push these images from her mind in order to regain the loving relationship she once had. However, asking her husband to listen to a constant stream of recriminations eventually will create resentment and bitterness. Once she has made it clear how she feels, it would be better to pour her heart out to a neutral third party instead of demanding that her husband be on his knees indefinitely.
Here's one more on the subject:
Dear Annie: I was a bit angry with the woman who was upset about her husband getting some lap dances. She considered it cheating.
I am a 25-year-old engaged woman. My man goes to strip clubs with friends about twice a year. I know for a fact he has had an occasional lap dance. I personally see nothing wrong with it, and I will tell you why. I am in the industry. I give lap dances to dozens of men each day, married and single. It is a job -- nothing more and nothing less. It is not sex.
I have no problem with my man enjoying a lap dance. As long as he didn't have sex, it's not cheating. "Sad" should get over it. Canadian Dancer
Dear Canadian: You have a rather unusual definition of "sex," but, in this particular instance, we agree that a one-time lap(se) dance at a bachelor party should be forgiven.
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