ANNIE'S MAILBOX Attempt to help ended their 23-year friendship

Dear Annie: I'm a father and single parent. My young adult daughter has Down syndrome, as does a male friend of hers, "Randy." Each month, there is a dance for the mentally disabled in our area. Usually, Randy's mother and I alternate driving them to and from the dance. Last month, when Randy came to the door to get my daughter, I noticed a horrible odor, but I didn't say anything. When I picked the kids up from the dance, the smell in the car was so bad that my daughter let down her car window.
After some hesitation, I called Randy's mother and told her about the odor. She said, "OK," but soon called me back, saying there was something seriously wrong with me and our 23-year friendship was over. Should I have kept my mouth shut? Confidential in Connecticut
Dear Confidential: You did nothing wrong. Let's hope this woman simply was having a stressful day. It would be a shame to lose a 23-year friendship because she was too embarrassed to understand that you were trying to help her son. Please phone her and give her a chance to reconsider her harsh reaction.
Dear Annie: My mother-in-law recently was moved to an assisted-living facility that specializes in the care of Alzheimer's patients. She was seen by several specialists who all agreed Mom is no longer able to take care of herself. For her own protection, she needed constant supervision. The facility she moved into is very nice. She has a private room, and the wonderful staff attends to her every need.
The problem is that some of her children are in deep denial about her need to be there and it has torn the family apart. One daughter will call and say, "Mom, you don't need to be in that place. You ought to be in your own home." Comments like that keep Mom from adjusting to her new surroundings and make her angry at those siblings who agonized over the decision to place her there. They keep her riled up to the point where she calls the other siblings and leaves hurtful messages on their answering machines.
The siblings now refuse to talk to one another about their mother because every conversation ends in a full-blown argument. This was once a very close-knit family, and it is devastating for all concerned to see what is happening. Can you help us? Sad Outsider in Washington
Dear Washington: Our hearts are breaking for you. The siblings need to get out from the middle of this argument. Enlist the help of those specialists, and have them explain to the recalcitrant siblings why your mother-in-law needs to be in the care facility. Unless one of the kids is willing to take Mom into his or her own home, they should not encourage her confusion and anger. Once they understand how much harm they are doing, they might be more supportive.
Dear Annie: This is for "Losing It in California," who is caring for her husband's 4-year-old niece. The child's mother drops the girl off with friends or relatives and doesn't bother to pick her up. "Losing" wants to protect the child.
Please tell her to draw up a simple power of attorney. This will give her temporary custody of the child and allow her to make decisions about medical care, education and discipline whenever the girl isn't with her mother. Mom should sign it in front of a notary. In fact, it's a good idea for any relative who frequently cares for a child to have such a power of attorney in case of emergency. You can get the forms from a lawyer or download them from the Internet. Mom in All but Name
Dear Mom: Thank you for the excellent suggestion. Readers, take note.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox™, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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