KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Parents may be comfortable with level of misery

Dear Annie: I am 26 years old and living in my parents' home while I attend medical school full time. My mother is miserable in her marriage to my father (he is significantly older than she is), and it is beginning to take its toll on me.
Every single day, Mom complains that Dad ignores her, doesn't care about her, and on and on. She remembers every wrong anyone has ever done to her and nurses grudges. I have been putting up with this misery for a few years now, and it's getting worse. I cannot stand living here, but I cannot afford to be on my own.
I love my mother and want to see her happy, but she carries around a lot of anger and resentment. My father is the "king of oblivion." He walks around as if nothing is wrong, leaving me to deal with Mom.
When I suggest to Mom that she see a counselor, she gets defensive and claims she'll just "live out her life this way." What can I do to make my life, as well as my parents' lives, more positive from this point on? Desperate in New Jersey
Dear Desperate: You cannot make your parents happy. They are the only ones who can do the work and make the changes that will improve their marriage. Also consider the possibility that your parents are comfortable with this level of misery. Some people derive great satisfaction in complaining.
Don't get sucked in to your parents' problems. When your mother complains, reply, "I'm sorry you're so unhappy." Then change the subject or leave the room. As soon as you can afford to move out, do so.
Dear Annie: I am newly married, and my in-laws have come to my home for dinner twice so far. My husband has a little sister, 5 years old. "Cindy" is a picky eater, but my real problem is with my mother-in-law.
The first time they came to dinner, Mom fed Cindy a bologna sandwich instead of having her eat what I served. Yesterday, they came again, and Cindy was carrying a McDonald's Happy Meal. Yet Mom frets that Cindy is unwilling to try new foods.
I worked very hard on my dinner and was upset that Cindy was permitted to eat junk while we enjoyed a good meal. Am I wrong to be offended? How can I put a stop to it without alienating my new in-laws? Frustrated in West Virginia
Dear Frustrated: It's natural that you want to impress your in-laws with your cooking, but Cindy is 5 years old, and it sounds as if she would not appreciate it. Few children that age like to experiment with new foods.
Have you considered the possibility that Mom believes Cindy would reject your cuisine and she wants to avoid hurting your feelings? While it would be nice if she indulged the girl with something healthier, there's no reason for you to be offended. If you can get Cindy to try one bite of something you've prepared, great, but otherwise, leave things alone.
Dear Annie: My husband's brother died recently. His wife of only one year had all of the flowers and plants from the funeral home sent to her house. Included were two plants from our best friends and one from my husband's employer.
The problem is that she refuses to let me have them. She says they should have been sent to my home, otherwise they belong to her. What is funeral etiquette for plants or flowers? I Want My Plants in Michigan
Dear Michigan: Here's the response from the Emily Post Institute: "It would have been nice for the widow to give you the plants. However, they were sent to the funeral home. If the sender truly wanted you to have them, they could have been sent directly to your home. The woman has just lost her husband, regardless of how long they were married. If the plants bring the widow comfort, let her have them."
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