KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox He feels betrayed by lack of family allegiance

Dear Annie: Ten years ago, I went through a bitter divorce, and now I have minimal contact with my ex-wife. My ex used many tactics to prevent me from maintaining a healthy relationship with our two (now grown) children.
I recently learned that my ex-wife spent her vacation visiting with my family members who live 2,000 miles away. She stayed in my sister's home. It obviously was not a casual drop-in. My ex has no other friends or family living in that area.
I asked my sister why she was so willing to welcome this woman after all the years of grief she put me through. Sis told me the family had maintained some contact with my ex over the years and that they had a very nice visit. Apparently, Sis even invited the other family members over for a "reunion dinner."
I am very hurt and betrayed by the lack of family allegiance, yet my family feels they did nothing wrong. They think they are being magnanimous. I think they are being disloyal.
I have a new wife and a happy life now, but my ex still wears the divorce like a badge and won't let go of our past. How do I tell my family that what they did was hurtful and improper? I expect better from them. Tired of the Games
Dear Tired: We can understand why this aggravates you, but if your family members wish to maintain a relationship with your ex-wife, that is entirely their business. Instead of considering it "disloyal," think how much your children appreciate knowing their mother can enter their aunt's home without a fight. Your ex may have been a nightmare, but the kids are grown now, and it accomplishes nothing to insist your relatives keep her at arm's length. Let it go.
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for six years and never had a problem until his friend "Ralph" came along.
Ralph is a nice guy, but he's a moocher. We play darts at our house once a week, and he is one of several friends who come over. Everyone brings beer or food, except Ralph, but that doesn't stop him from drinking most of the alcohol and soda, eating most of the food and bumming cigarettes off the smokers.
These parties take a big chunk out of our wallet, and our guests' contributions help defray the costs. In the two years we've been having these get-togethers, Ralph has never once offered to bring anything.
My husband and I have gotten into several arguments over this, but he refuses to talk to Ralph, and he doesn't want me to say anything, either. Am I being selfish to ask my husband to open his mouth to Ralph? Tapped Out in Virginia
Dear Tapped Out: Of course not. Perhaps one of your other regular guests could mention to Ralph that everyone is expected to bring something to the party, and suggest that next time, it's his turn to bring pretzels and chips (or whatever).
Dear Annie: I read a letter from "Worried Grandma Out West," whose 16-year-old granddaughter is writing two young men, age 18, who are incarcerated in prison.
I am a parole agent and have dealt with this issue numerous times. When her granddaughter gets a letter from either inmate, Grandma should write down his name and prison identification number (they have to write that on the envelope). She can then call the correctional facility and ask to speak with a parole agent or correctional counselor and let them know of the situation, and that her granddaughter is underage.
This type of complaint should stop the mail from occurring. Sad to say, men who are incarcerated for serious crimes often write young women in order to manipulate them. Parole Agent in California
Dear Parole Agent: Many thanks for your valuable advice. We hope that grandmother will take the necessary steps.
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