KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox 'Archie' is a different man behind closed doors

Dear Annie: I have been married for two years to a man who appears to be the perfect gentleman. "Archie" is well liked in the community and seems to be a great husband and father, showering me and the children with attention and compliments -- in public. The problem is, he is a completely different man at home. He yells at the children for trivial things, and has pushed my 6-year-old and knocked him over.
Archie monitors my phone calls, interrogating me and staying right by my side until the conversation is over. When he isn't home, he has caller ID units around the house to track incoming calls. He has hidden digital tape recorders in vehicles I drive and even hacks into my e-mail. I am not allowed to go outside and unwind with my neighbor after a day of taking care of a house and five children unless he is sitting right there, or harassing me every five seconds to come inside.
I insisted Archie go for counseling, but he is so smooth he tells the counselor what he wants to hear and then goes right back to the same old thing. We currently are separated, and I have a protective order against him for assault and battery.
I am concerned that so many people do not know about Archie's other side. I don't want to create trouble for him or smear him in the community, but I am tired of people thinking he is some kind of saint who is being unjustly accused. They have no idea what he is really like. What should I say to them? Dixie in D.C.
Dear Dixie: Nothing. It's none of their business, and more importantly, you may be putting yourself or your children in jeopardy if Archie finds out you are publicizing his abusive behavior. Even those folks who believe he is saintly have their private doubts. The truth eventually will surface. Don't rush it.
Dear Annie: "Potty-Peeved in El Paso" might feel better about her neighbor's lawn toilet if she maintains a good sense of humor.
Our town periodically rewards folks who have beautiful yards. When getting rid of an ugly green toilet, we took it to our daughter's yard, put plastic flowers in it, along with any other cheesy lawn ornament we could find, and attached a sign saying "Mayor's Beautification Award." Her elderly neighbor actually congratulated her.
Our daughter then took it to her brother's yard and added a few plastic flamingos. That Christmas it appeared on our lawn with flashing Christmas lights. When you stop and consider, the possibilities are endless. Royal Flush in Wisconsin
Dear Wisconsin: You must have great neighbors. Not everyone could handle a green toilet with flamingoes and flashing Christmas lights as a lawn decoration. Thanks for a good laugh.
Dear Annie: I am married with three teenage children. My husband and I both have full-time jobs, but sometimes I feel I just can't handle things anymore.
My husband, "Hank," works long hours as a bartender. He comes home drunk almost every night, swears at me and treats me badly, although he's never hit me, thank God. The kids can't stand him. He used to be fun to be around, but now he is just miserable.
We are both in our 40s, and I'm wondering if Hank is going through some kind of midlife change. He is not the same person I married. We never go out anymore. Hank's life is in the bar. I feel like packing it up. Barkeep's Wife
Dear Wife: Hank could be depressed, but he is self-medicating with booze and has a serious drinking problem. Frankly, we're surprised his employer hasn't said anything. Bar owners don't like their bartenders to be drunk. Get in touch with Al-Anon (www.al-anon.alateen.org) at 888-4AL-ANON (888-425-2666) and ask for help.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox™, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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