KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Mom went to the grave believing the wrong person sent her to jail

Dear Annie: My oldest sister, "Deb," recently confessed to me that she was the one who turned my mother in for welfare fraud over 20 years ago. Mom was arrested and served time in jail. Our family was torn apart. My younger sister and I were sent away to live with an abusive aunt. Although I understand what Mom did was wrong, she did it only because Dad was an alcoholic and often kept money from Mom even if we children needed something.
Mom went to her grave believing it was her mother-in-law who turned her in. I want Deb to confess what she did to the whole family. Although it will not help Mom heal any wounds, it would help the rest of us make amends. The worst thing is, years later, Dad's second wife committed the same crime, and Deb never said a word.
I am ready to tell Deb that if she doesn't come clean, I will do it for her. Whatever happened to honor thy mother and thy father? Please help me. Baby Sis
Dear Sis: How old was Deb when she did this? Don't you think she believed she was doing the right thing? And the end result may have been such a shock to her that it explains why she didn't turn in her stepmother, fearing it only would cause more harm. If Deb confesses, will it really help "make amends," or will it simply be a way to punish her?
We understand that you are angry and want Deb to pay for making such a mess of your family, but try to forgive her. It's too late to change what happened, and you can be sure the deed has preyed on her mind all this time. Allow Deb to make the decision about coming clean with your siblings. If she cannot bear to do so, please leave it alone.
Dear Annie: I am 16, and my parents recently separated and started living in different houses. I am living with my dad.
I feel trapped between them. When I am with my mom, she is always trying to tear down my dad. I have always been closer to my father, and she knows this. Mom often is very rude to him, but he is always polite and cordial to her.
Dad never says a bad word about my mother, and I do not understand why she can't do the same. She constantly tells me it was my dad's fault that she left, when really it was hers.
I'd like to have something to say when she bashes Dad so she'll stop. I would also like a way to tell my dad that I don't like spending time with my mom. She is not exactly a fun person to be around these days, and I'm having a hard time dealing with her negative comments. What can I do? Stuck in the Middle in Washington
Dear Stuck: You can talk to your mother. Tell her, honestly and firmly, that you do not want to hear any more bad things about your father and it is unfair of her to put you in the middle. Try to understand that this separation is difficult for your mother, no matter whose idea it was, so it would help for you to be less judgmental. Still, Mom needs to see what her bitterness is doing to you. If you are having a hard time getting your message across, give her this letter and tell her you wrote it.
Dear Annie: I am writing in response to "Worried Mom," whose daughter talks to herself. This could affect her socialization and acceptance by peers. Her mother should approach this as a bad habit that requires behavior modification.
I have a co-worker who talks to himself constantly. Some days he mumbles to himself nonstop for eight hours. It is disturbing and distracting. His co-workers fight to avoid sitting next to him. Going Crazy in Memphis
Dear Memphis: Most self-talk is harmless, and people tend to do it when they are alone. Your co-worker, however, may have a more serious problem than a "bad habit," since he is doing this in public, nonstop. Please be kind.
Happy Chanukah to all our Jewish readers.
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