KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox She doesn't wish to end a lifelong friendship

Dear Annie: My best friend, "Sue," and my fiance, "Sam," don't get along. Normally, I would not consider this cause for concern. However, the reason for their rift is what worries me. Sam, who is Jewish, has accused Sue of being anti-Semitic.
I have known Sue since kindergarten. Although she has strong religious beliefs, I never have heard her make a prejudicial statement of any kind. I know she does not approve of interfaith relationships, but I thought she supported my choice.
Sam informed me of several anti-Semitic comments that Sue allegedly said to him. When I asked Sue if this was true, she appeared shocked and denied it. She then approached Sam about his accusations in order to straighten out any miscommunication between them.
Now Sam is upset with me. He thinks our conversations should be private and that I should have taken his word for what happened. He says Sue is lying. He thinks I have put Sue before him and has asked me to end my friendship with her.
This is strictly his word against hers, Annie. I love Sam and want my marriage to work. He is attentive to my needs and very protective. He treats me like a princess. At the same time, I don't wish to end a lifelong friendship over something I can't prove.
Should I drop Sue and lose the friends who are taking her side? Or risk losing Sam and the friends who believe him? Need the Wisdom of Solomon
Dear Need Wisdom: Here's our take on it. Because Sue disapproves of interfaith relationships, she most likely said something to Sam that he interpreted as anti-Semitic, since he is doubtless sensitive to such comments.
Our concern is that Sam shows no interest in clarifying the situation or working with you to improve it. His need for you to cut off a longtime friend and accept his word unquestioningly disturbs us and doesn't speak well for his ability to deal with other conflicts that undoubtedly will come up in your marriage. If you haven't had couples counseling, please look into it before moving forward.
Dear Annie: One of my closest friends, "Lotte," moved out of state last year. I have visited her twice and recently invited her to visit me. I even offered to pay for her plane ticket. She accepted -- and then asked if she could bring her boyfriend with her.
I would rather just have Lotte, alone, and told her. Now she is having second thoughts, saying her boyfriend feels hurt that I don't want him here. Should I tell her not to bother coming and offer to visit in her hometown instead? Seattle Friend
Dear Seattle: Lotte was wrong to include her boyfriend in the invitation, and when you said "no," she should have backed down immediately instead of working on your guilt. Tell Lotte you miss her and want the visit to be just the two of you. If she insists on bringing the boyfriend, say sorry, you'll see her another time.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Grandma," who complained about not getting thank-you notes from the grandchildren. Has she led by example? Does she write thank-you notes to her children and grandchildren for the gifts she receives?
My ex-in-laws complained about thank-you notes, but we never once received one from them, verbal or written. Usually when we asked if they got the item we sent, we would hear what was wrong with it. They found fault with everything, including the food at restaurants where we purchased gift certificates for them.
So, "Grandma," do you express thanks and write notes? Or is the mail only supposed to flow one way? Just Wondering
Dear Wondering: Anyone who receives a gift should send a thank-you note, or at least call or e-mail. And yes, that includes grandparents.
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